Sunday, 31 May 2015

Dodgy car sales

I was at one of those car supermarkets and for one day only I was employed to help out, the boss was not there and so I was hoping to sell some cars and impress. 

The first customer I saw wanted to look at a green VW van, it looked like it had some graffiti on the side panel. I told the man that I wouldn't buy the van as it was a heep of junk, I did everything I could to put him off. It worked. 

I then went around from one person to another, telling them how bad the cars were and not to buy them. As I did this I was thinking that I'd really like to impress the boss and sell lots of cars. 
I just wasn't understanding why I couldn't sell any! 


Saturday, 30 May 2015

The kitchen sink

I was in my old house that I sold a few years ago, it was very empty looking and I was standing at the kitchen sink. I received a phone call asking me about buying the sink as I'd advertised it for sale.  

The person on the phone asked if they could just have the peice of work surface that ran along behind the taps, as I held the phone with one hand I ripped off the strip of work surface. I repiled, "Yep, you can have that". I then tried to tell them where I was but I couldn't remember my address. 

Lastly I was watching my horse, Arthur in his field. He was dancing around doing little jumps as if he was human and then I'm sure I could hear him humming a tune but I couldn't be sure. 


Thursday, 28 May 2015

Crocodiles & milkmen

Not unusually in my sleep, I had travelled back to the 1970's, a World with no wi fi or smart phones. I was working with another male who I didn't know. I was in the street and we were aware that our new boss was arriving shortly and so we were attempting to prepare. 

Only thing was, I had no idea what my job was. Alł around me were toy cars that you could sit in and peddle. They were in the shape of crocodiles and seemed to be gliding slightly in the air. There was also a house that contained milk. 

The house stored milk and this was pumped into the property through the letterbox. Looking into the windows, it was a massive tank full of milk. The front door opened and a milkman walked out, no milk poured out of the house. The milkman looked exactly like Benny Hill when he was Ernie, the fastest milkman in the West. Although he resembled Benny in the face, it wasn't him. 

I was then inside another house and it was a total mess, the kitchen was piled with dirty pots and pans. I set about cleaning the house and dreamt the rest of my dream doing this. 


Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Hospital dash

I was walking around the grounds of a hospital, looking into the windows. It was night time and the entire place was in darkness, I'm assuming it wasn't an emergency ward. 
I then punched a window, shattering it, I continued to punch and kick at it until there was sufficient room for me to enter. 

I then began running through the wards knocking wall units and trolleys over as I went. I then heard an audible alarm and knew it was time to leave. I ran to a glass fire door to see a torch shining in at me, it was Pipi from work. 

"Maximus, what you doing in there?" He shouted at me, I had to think fast on my feet. I repiled, "I heard the alarm going off and so ran in to catch the burglars, I think they've gone". He seemed to buy my story. 


Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Doctor who?

Watching from a distance, I was viewing all of the actors that have over the years, played Doctor Who in the BBC TV programme. I'm not a fan, I think the last time I saw it, Peter Davidson was playing him. 

Anyway, assembled were the entire cast of actors who had once been in the show and they were arguing who was the best Doctor of all time. I saw Tom Baker and the original doctor, who was oddly in black and white. 

They decided the best way to decide who was the greatest Doctor of all time was to have a fist fight. I them watched a massive out of control punch up with every time lord throwing wild punches. 

The outcome? Peter Davidson was victorious, he was the last man standing anyway. 


Monday, 25 May 2015

Pipers & frozen jelly.

Firstly I started off by being in the Pipers public house in Dagenham, Essex, the pub has long since been demolished and was replaced by housing. I would pop in on my way home from the underground station to get to my mums house. 

In the pub was my step Son, Michael, he was sat on a bar stool, head in hands drunk and asleep. I took him home to my mums and ushered him into my old bedroom. I checked on him the next morning and found him fully dressed on his knees with his face on the bed asleep. I laughted at him. 

Next I was in the small local shop close to my house and the owner and his son where there. I was looking for something to eat and my wife was waiting outside in a white Ford Çonnect van. The boy told his dad that he needed to poop and was told to go and use the white van outside. 

I ran out and got into the front passenger seat and shouted at my wife, 'Drive!' Just as the boy attempted to open the back door on the van, my wife booted the accelerator and we sped off. My wife asked me what I had bought from the shop, I held up a huge frozen block of jelly. She smiled. 


Sunday, 24 May 2015


Sleeping under the stars last night made no change on a busy nights dreaming. I was actually asleep and was telling myself to write down what I was dreaming. I then began to have a little disagreement with myself about not needing too make notes as I will clearly remember it because it was so weird. 

I continued to dream and heve the same argument with myself for the rest of the night. When I awoke this morning to the dawn chorus, I couldn't remember a thing! What a loser.  


Saturday, 23 May 2015

Free news

Very brief one last night. I'd gone to buy a newspaper and instead of coming out with just one paper, I was handed every newspaper they had. I started to protest but was informed they were free. Given this information, I readily accepted them. 

I then walked into a petrol garage and went behind the counter were the attendant was. He looked a little alarmed and I handed him a huge pile of newspapers and left. He shouted out at me as I exited, clearly unhappy at this. 
I raised my hand and called out, "You're welcome". As I went onto the garage forecourt, it changed into an open field and I was alone with nothing around me but grass. 


Friday, 22 May 2015

Response one

I was walking down the side of a house to get access into the rear garden. I don't think it was my house but I was sure that I needed to get in the back garden. 

As I got half way along the side passage I saw that my route was blocked by a line of riot police in full kit. As I got nearer, they bunched up forming a human wall. 

I walked into the first police officer and couldn't push my way through. He lifted his visa and said, 'Response one reporting, no way through sir'. 

I saw that it was Rich from work and I laughed at him and said that I'm getting past. I tried to walk on butt he other officers bunched up more and stopped me, there was no way I was getting by. Rich just looked at me and said, 'Sorry dude, no can do'. The policemen laughed. 


Thursday, 21 May 2015

Junk yard house

I was sat in the middle of a huge room that was full of rubbish, it looked like a junk yard. Piled high above me on on four sides were heeps of old car parts, wood and general brick a brac. 

I couldn't see ceiling or the walls, I stood up and started weaving my way out through the junk. I eventually got to a door and when I squeezed through it I found that I had left my living room and entered my kitchen. The junk yard was actually my house.  


Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Harrods & horse poop

Along with my wife we were in Harrods in London, it was Christmas and my wife was buying Thortons chocolate Easter bunnies. As she looked along the shelves, a man in a suit appeared and told me there was more stock below. 

The man then pulled up a secret door hidden in the floor and ushered down some very narrow stairs. As I decended, I felt very closed in and was surprised to find my wife already in the room. She was still looking at chocolate Easter bunnies. 

I entered a narrow doorway and found myself in a huge underground Screwfix warehouse. It was vast but the floor space was about three feet deep in water. I then noticed that one of the men working there was Andy from work, we was showing my wife something on a TV screen. 

As I approached I saw that I was holding my PS3 controller, I waded through the water and reached where they were looking at the TV. On the screen was a ps4 game and they both had controllers. I wanted to join in but I had the wrong controller and so I just threw it into the water. 

Lastly I was at my nan's old house where I was born, I was in the garden, which was very long. In the middle of the lawn was a massive pile of horse pooh and I started running around the edges of it. I was talking to someone but couldn't see them, so I may have been just chatting to myself. 

Either way I didn't notice that I had run into the horse pooh and was spreading it all over the garden. I was totally covered in poop and absolutely stank. When I stopped I saw that every inch of the lawn was covered in horse pooh. 


Tuesday, 19 May 2015

The hairy springer

I was in a room, it was somewhere I didn't know and I was totally naked and laying on my back looking up at the ceiling. After a while I got up but my view remained from where I was laying and I watched myself stand up. 

I was firstly squatting and so my butt was very close to my face, not an angle I've ever seen of myself before. As I stood up Further I noticed that my butt and back were totally covered in hair, so think was the hair, that it resembled a gorillas. The rest of my body was completly hairless and smooth. 

As I lay looking at the uncomfortable sight before me, I just wanted to put a shirt on to cover the hair before anyone saw me. As I panicked that I might get spotted, a giant spring shot out of my feet and catapulted me through the ceiling. 

I was still looking up from my vertical position and see my naked self flying high up to not the night sky and out of sight. 


Monday, 18 May 2015

Keyboard fart

I was at work, the room was full of people but the two people I recognised were Matt and Spooner. Unusually for Spooner, he was silent and had his head into some paperwork. 

Matt called me over as he wanted to show me something important on the computer. I approached him and he then demonstrated that by pressing the shift key and the hashtag key simultaneously on the keyboard, the computer made the sound of a fart. Brilliant. 

Next I was in a room that looked like a call centre, the desks were all pushed up against each other but had those partitions that you could still see over. 

I could hear a females voice from the other side of the partition in front of me. She was swearing down the phone, clearly someone was annoying her and she wasn't holding back. 

I popped my head around to see work colleague Dinky, her face was red with rage and she slammed the phone down in anger. I asked she was ok, she calmly replied, "I am now thanks". 



Sunday, 17 May 2015

Early start

I woke up so early this morning that I don't even recall dreaming. I'm sure I did but I have no memory of anything. 

I fell asleep and then it felt like I woke up instantly. Can't grumble at that, nice toget an  undisturbed keep now and again. 


Saturday, 16 May 2015

Secret garden

I was standing before a huge old oak door set into a long stone wall. I stood looking at this door for what seemed hours, before actually reaching out and turning the heavy metal handle that opened it. 

As the mighty wooden door pushed away from me, a vast garden was spread before me as far as I could see. There was a mass of bright colours, trees, bushes and bright flowers. 
I didn't move, I didn't seem able to and for hours again, I stood looking into the garden. 


Friday, 15 May 2015

Mr Bean's murderous mission

Bit of a murder theme last night, beginning with me being followed by serial killer Dexter. He was dressed in his kill clothes and was leading a horse, he had that look in his eyes and I didn't want to be on his table. I kept walking. 

I was then watching Rowan Atkinson as Mr Bean, Mr Bean was talking with a man and seemed slightly annoyed by his presence. Calmly, Mr Bean picked up a kitchen knife that was completely purple. I saw that it was the one from my kitchen draw. He then thrust it into the chest of the man, killing him instantly. 

As the lifeless body of the man dropped to the floor, I watched as Bean hid the corpse inside a wall and carefully placed fake book fronts over it to conceal it. He cleaned the knife of blood and then snapped it in two. The broken pieces were hidden in a fake book cover and placed in the wall. 

Just as Bean was about to walk away he looked up and saw a CCTV camera pointing at him. He gave a charctistic goofy wave at the camera and walked away.  


Thursday, 14 May 2015

Where's Nora?

I was sat in the drivers seat of a car, it was dark and I was in a street. Various people approached my window and just as I thought they were going to talk to me, they popped their head into the back of the car and then looked at me disappointed. 

Everyone did the same and each one asked the same question, "Where's Nora?"  Nora our adorable 6 month old Bassett and everyone seems to love her. Clearly, as they didn't want to talk to me after they discovered she wasn't in the car. 

I was then taking a young lad into a secure unit, the perimeter had very high fencing with barbed wire on top of it and everywhere had guards posted at the doors. The lad asked me, "What is this place?"  I replied, "Somewhere no one ever leaves". He started to cry. 

Once inside I found that it was a massive factory and production lines were in full swing, I couldn't make out what was being made, but warehouses were piled with boxes. An elderly woman approached me and told me to get to work. 
I then set about writing prices in felt pen onto DVDs. 


Wednesday, 13 May 2015


I was laying in bed aware of my surroundings but partially asleep. I could voices and one in particular was close to my head, a man's voice and he was calling out, "Kallum", over and over. I was then able to see myself in the bed from above, I was actually my friend Kallum, which would explain things. 

I then as Kalłum tried to move, I couldn't I was paralysed, totally, only my eyes could move. I then watched myself as Kalłum not moving at all for hours. Maybe it didn't last all night but that's all that happened for the rest of my dream. 


Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Dangerous white mice

I was in a hospital along with work colleague, Danger. We were in a side ward and we're waiting to be deployed to a job. I stood up and told Danger I was going to work on my own. 

Danger told me he wanted to work with me and offered me a bag of white chocolate mice, he said I could have them all. Unfortunately for Danger I don't like white chocolate and so I left him. 

As I walked out into the A&E department, it was full of people waiting. I went past a nurse who showed me a screen that had scanned me as I left. It showed I had a broken arm. 


Monday, 11 May 2015

American Cops

I was in the small Cambridgeshire town of Yaxley, I was walking along the street with my wife. It was just starting to get dark. 

As we stepped out onto a road to cross it a massive American car stopped in front of us. The car was packed with teenage lads, more than there were seats for and they were sat on top of each other. The driver lent out of the window and looked completly wasted. He just giggled at us. 

I pulled him out through the window, angry that he could have run us over, the rest of the lads got out and surrounded us. It looked like it was going to go very wrong, I looked over the street and saw two American cops and I waved at them for help. 

The two cops instead of coming over to help, just waved back and laughed. We decided that the best option would be to run off, which we did. 

Next we appeared to be in a massive mansion and it was our house, clearly we had made it big and was living the high life. We stood in the kitchen and our friend Lee-ann walked in, she asked if she could go to sleep in our bed. 

I thought that she maybe needed a break as she was a recently new mother. I asked her if this was the case and she replied, "No, just that your house is awesome and I want to stay here". Fair enough! 


Sunday, 10 May 2015

Knights of tomatoes

I was with my wife in a garden, not my own and I could hear some clanking of metal from way off down the end of the garden. 

My wife wanted to throw away a wheelbarrow full of rotten tomatoes but I told her that I'd check the noise from the end of the garden as we didn't want to get caught disposing of the tomatoes. 

Upon walking around to where the sound was coming from, I was met with about twenty medieval knights in full suits of armour. They were pushing each other around, more like a minor argument that a battle. 

I returned to my wife and informed her that it wasn't safe to dispose of the rotting veg due to the Knights at the end of the garden. She looked confused. 


Saturday, 9 May 2015

Face bomb

As I lay in bed drifting off I got into that semi conscious state where I think I'm still actually awake. 

This was abruptly and violently ended when my entire face exploded. This caused me to shout out in utter shock as the flesh and blood flew across the bedroom. 

After my breathing calmed and I realised I still had my face, I drifted back to sleep. As I did I found myself driving my old car across the single track bridge in my village. 

Upon approaching the bridge I saw a large puddle, I carefully manovuored through it so as not to splash a woman standing by the approach to the bridge. 

 I wasn't going fast enough to splash her but water shot up in the air and covered the woman. I stopped and opened my door and apologied but she was running at me very irate. 

I tried to drive off but stalled the car and then went into panic mode trying to get it started again. I woke at this point. 


Friday, 8 May 2015

Lights out & minions

I started off by being in my mums living room, the room was as it was when I was a child, complete with orange flowery wallpaper. Got to love the 1970's. 
It was night time and I was trying to get to sleep, I had a blanket on the sofa and that was going to be my bed. 

The room was too bright and so I switched off the two wall lamps at the socket, this did nothing as the room remained very bright. I then began to go around the room switching off various lamps that were all lighting the room. 

I got to what I thought was the last one, flicked the switch and jumped under the blanket. There was still a light glowing and flashing, it was the TV. It was showing that fuzzy snow that used to appear back in the day when TV channels would finish around midnight and just stop broadcasting. 

I decided that I couldn't be bothered to get up and switch it off, there was of course no remote control, none of that in the 70's. 

Lastly I was in a newly built housing estate and I noticed a man and woman having a fight. I was going to go and intervene but about twenty other people joined in and a mass brawl broke out. I was just going to phone the police when I heard minions singing. My wife's alarm is set to it on her phone. 


Thursday, 7 May 2015

Sleepy Flipchart

I was at work in the city centre station and I was on the top floor. The reason being, I was sleeping and knew it wasn't used and so I wouldn't be discovered napping on the job. 

That was the plan which immediately went wrong when one of the top bosses, Nick entered the room I was in. He was showing some civilian visitors around the building and walked in on my slumber. 

Instead of berating me for catching me asleep, Nick asked if my leg was better now. Confused I said it was fine, happy witht his, Nick left the room. 

Left standing in he room was a large black African woman dressed in a long flowing flowerery dress and matching head scarf. She was just starring at me. 

I picked up a painting easel and pretended to work. Instead of a canvass I started turning pages over it and used it as a Flipchart. 
The woman said to me, "You have parked your car three times in the wrong space. If you do it again you will be reported."

I had no idea who this woman was and what she had to do with where I parked my car, however I have parked where I shouldn't have at work this week! 


Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Ballroom & zips

I dreampt that I had returned to a former job working as a delivery driver for a small chain of seaside shops. I walked into the main store and was was surprised that the owner, who had previously been a very large man, was now slim and also appeared to have become younger. 

He used to be quite a grumpy man, but I found the new improved owner to be jolly and laughing.  The shop had changed somewhat too, it was completely empty except for a centre island which the owner and a young woman stood behind. 

Suddenly the centre island drifted across the floor and music started and coloured lights began flashing. The young woman and the owner started ballroom dancing around the store. I decided it was time to leave. 

When I stepped outside, my delivery van had a massive zip on the side of it. I pulled at it and I glided the zipper open along the length of the van, the entire contents of tin cans fell into the street. 
I turned and walked away and headed back to the store but found that it had vanished. 


Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Dead inside

In my waking day yesterday, I spent the day in the garden. And so I wasn't overly surprised to dream of that being my location last night. I was searching for something, no idea what, but I was in bushes and around trees trying to locate whatever it was. 

I was then joined by friend and work colleague, Siobhan who joined in my search of whatever it was. We looked for ages until we discovered a bright purple monster, it was hairy and stood about two feet high, so not the most scary of creatures. 

I then noticed that all the birds were purple too, a few more of the little monsters appeared and I could hear music as they did. It was the brilliant new track, 'Dead inside' from Muse, which I recall hearing on the radio at some point yesterday. 


Monday, 4 May 2015

Cheese tree

One of those dreams that was taking place just prior to he waking this morning, so I have only a brief recognition from my sleep. I was holding a wooden mallet and a chisel and was carefully and expertly carving. 

The only difference was that I was carving away at a huge chunk of cheese rather than wood. I expertly chiseled intricate detail into the block of cheese, it wasn't clear what I was creating. 

I stopped and stood back to admire my work and saw that I had turned the cheese into a tree trunk, in fact it looked exactly like a tree trunk and had even change from yellow cheese colour to look precisely like the bark on a tree. 

I'm guessing my brain interpreted carving with wood and turned the cheese back into timber, but no idea why I'd be using cheese in the first place. 


Sunday, 3 May 2015

Blind Harry Potter & the dog prison.

Starting off I was in a Tesco supermarket along with my wife. I was pushing the trolley and following my wife down the isles. I then realised that I was totally blind, my wife didn't seemed overly concerned. 

We went to the car park and we got into my old car which I immediately reversed into another car. I mentioned that it might be better if my wife drove but she told me to get on with it. 

As I set off again, I was watching myself from the rear seat of the car. I was still blind and just aimed the car. It then lifted off the ground and started flying. 

We were then on a roller coaster that was a Harry Potter thymed ride. It flew into tunnels and up mountain sides with characters from the films rushing by. 

Next I then saw my wife locking our dogs into prison cells. I clearly had my vision back. Both dogs were very unhappy at being placed in a cell. My wife said to them that they had a life sentence. 


Friday, 1 May 2015

The worm that turned

I was with one of the managers from work called Dom, we were in a canteen and he was eating cake. I was at the counter waiting to be served and when I glanced back at Dom, he had turned into a woman. 

My brain clearly had issues processing this vision and had him in a flowery dress with his face still looking the same. It was a resemblance to The Two Ronnies when they dressed as women in The Worm that turned. 

The shock of seeing this in my sleep appears to have blocked out all other images and I am left with the sight of Dom in a dress for the rest of the day. I won't be able to look at him the same again. 

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