Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Rip off plumber

I was in a very messy house, it wasn't a house I knew. There was a plumber in the bathroom fitting a new sink and a female I didn't know in the bedroom. 
The plumber said that it was an easy job and would take him long. 

Whilst he was working, the female started to tidy up a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor. She found an I phone under the clothes and a cheque made out for £100 to her. The cheque was written by my wife and the female said it was for cleaning the house. 

The plumber then said he hadn't been paid by my wife and I replied, "She's stitched me up there, how much was she paying you?" The plumber clearly saw an opportunity to rip me off and said, "£1,000" 
I was very sceptical of this and started to write him a cheque. 

The plumber, ever switched on to not missing out on money, shouted, "Ah cash only man". 


Monday, 30 March 2015

Richard Attenborough & the time travelling pensioner

Initially I was in a room with husband and wife team, Gareth and Leeza. Gareth was looking over my shoulder as I worked at a computer, he was offering friendly advice but Leeza was shaking her head at him. His words of wisdom were fine and I had no issue with his help but Leeza wasn't happy for some reason. 

As Gareth spoke, his voice tone changed and he sounded like someone else. I recognised the voice but couldn't put my finger on where I'd heard it. I turned around to see that Gareth had changed into actor Richard Attenborough. Then I noticed that Leeza had turned into a woman dressed in 1930's style clothing. 

The changed Leeza then started to show me around the office and tell me where everything was, Richard followed and asked the woman formerly known as Leeza why she was helping me. She replied that she was a free spirit and did as she pleased. 

I then watched out of a window as Leeza followed by Richard, walked off up the street. I noticed the cars and shops all dated from the 1930's too. As I watched the woman, she changed into a 90 year old and was dressed in an all in one red leather suit. The street and cars also changed into modern day. 

Richard Attenborough had vanished and as the woman walked along the street, she raised her arm and with her middle finger up, flicked the bird.  


Sunday, 29 March 2015

Underwater challenge

Despite various suggestions as to what I may be dreaming last night, following a lively dinner party, my dream centred around a huge glass tank the size of a swimming pool. 
The tank was full of water and had a long table running its entire length. On top of the table was a metal cable about a foot in diameter, there were various obstacles the cable ran over, such as live electrical plugs and switches. 

I was wearing full diving gear, including oxygen, wet suit and flippers. I was holding a pair of metal tin snips that are generally for cutting sheet metal. My challenge from a large audience was to swim under water the whole length of the tank, cut the cable in a straight line and avoid being electrocuted. 

For what seemed like my entire nights sleep, I was slowly working my way along the tank carefully cutting the cable open. I could hear the sound of my breathing through the diving equipment and the bubbles rising to the surface. 

I completed the task just as I woke up and popped my head above water to the sound of applause. 


Saturday, 28 March 2015

Nose poke

Along with my wife, we had both been moved by our employer to work at a different office in the city centre. We both sat at a desk and I was moaning that I didn't want to work there. My wife as ever tried to get me to see the positive side of it. 

I then noticed there were no telephones, printers or computers. I started shouting that I couldn't work under these conditions, my wife instead of trying to calm me, agreed and we both walked out in protest. 

I was next at work again and had been sent out to try and locate a man that we needed to talk to. I was given an address of 39b but couldn't recall the street name. I arrived at the address and I phoned the office and said, "Where abouts does this idiot live?" They replied it was in the basement. 

I decended the stairs to a house and was met by lots of people all walking past me in the corridor. I was trying to get through them and they kept poking me in the nose. I tried to brush them off but they kept poking my nose. 

I opened my eyes to see my wife's smiling face as she was poking my nose. She's a bugger. 


Friday, 27 March 2015

Cocaine pensioner

I was at my mums house in her kitchen and I was chatting to her when I noticed a package on the worktop. When I asked her what it was she said it was cocaine and that she selling it. I was somewhat alarmed at my mothers behaviour and questioned why she was doing it. 

She soon persuaded me that it was a very profitable venture, she explained that she had made £120,000 in a week selling it and that she wasn't going to stop. Fair play mum. 

I was next walking down a lovely pedestrianised street, the sun was out and it was a lovely day. My dad pulled up in a white van and said he had found a dog. The dog was a white staffie and he had it in the back of the van. 


Thursday, 26 March 2015

You are awful

I kept seeing myself dressed in women's clothing, I was catching sight in mirrors of my attire, every time I did I had different clothes on. I looked like a cross between Dick Emery in drag and an old lady. 

I started to laugh as I thought of Dick Emery when he was dressed as a female and hitting men with a handbag. I then started to try and impersonate him. I was rubbish but I found it amusing. 


Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Water torture

One of those dreams where I'm still partly awake, I could sense the room around me and almost visualise it, despite having my eyes shut. 

I could also hear a slow repeated knocking sound too, it happened at regular intervals and was similar to a dripping of water. 

I then heard my dog rolling around on the floor and thought it must be time to get up. I opened my eyes and the sound of the dog and the dripping stopped. 

The dog was sound asleep under the covers and it was only 04.30. I closed my eyes again and could instantly hear the knocking sound again. 

I opened my eyes once again and it stopped abruptly once more. The dog was on the floor this time and it was 05.50. Odd. 


Tuesday, 24 March 2015


I dreampt that I was wearing metal gauntlets, like the ones worn by Knights in armour. My hands felt heavy and I couldn't feel my fingers at all. 

I attempted to scratch my thigh, my brain sent the signal to my left hand and I'm sure it was doing as requested but I had no touch sensation in either my hand or leg. 

I then held both of my metal covered hand up before my face, which is the point where I woke up. My hands were before me, not in gauntlets and both were completly numb. 


Monday, 23 March 2015

New Yorker

Very upsetting last night in that my wife had been sent to New York by her employer, this wasn't overly upsetting but the fact that I rang her and asked her when she was home was. 

Everytime I asked her when she'd be home, she avoided the question and there were long silences on the phone. I continued to ask my wife the same question which she continued to avoid. 

In the end I became very upset at the prospect that she wasn't coming back.  Fortunately, the chances of her being sent there are non exsistant and I'm 100% confident that she would never go anywhere without me.  


Sunday, 22 March 2015

DIY dismembering & the Arab Prince

I started off the night by being in a car as a passenger with a man I didn't know. He drove into a workshop and told the man there that he needed his boots repaired. He took them off his feet and handed them to the guy. 

Both had holes in the bottom of them and were fit for the bin really but the guy said he'd repair them. I went to get back into the car but it had vanished, the man I'd arrived with was sitting in mid air as if he was in the car but it was invisible. 

The guy returned with his boots and he had put rubber car tyres on the bottom of them. He explained they should last a while but would require replacing when they had worn down. 

I was next in my dads garden shed, the shed still remains at my mums house but is just for storage. My dad had it as a workshop when he was alive. I was trying to make some space so that I could tidy all of his tools. Before I could do this I needed to cut up a dead body. 

The body I couldn't recognise as it didn't have a head, was laying on the work bench. I cut it up using a hacksaw and a small hatchet. One all the parts were in a manageable size, I placed them into a box and popped it under the workbench. I then set about tidying the tools. 

Lastly I was in a cinema and sat in a private box which I had all to myself. This was short lived as friend and work colleague, Leeza arrived. She was looking after an Arab Prince and his entourage, this completely filled all the seats and it was very cramped. 

This didn't stop me falling asleep at a very boring film. I rested my head on the Princes shoulder as Leeza was talking to him. He didn't seem impressed. 


Saturday, 21 March 2015

Mystery writer

I had a busy night dreaming and spent a considerable time writing it all down in great detail. I did think that I might be tired having spent so much time writing but woke surprisingly refreshed. 

The reason for this being that I didn't actually write anything down, my dream was that I was writing things down!  


Friday, 20 March 2015

Timmy's mansion

My good friend and work colleague, Timmy featured last night, I had arrived at his house and found that it had been replaced with a huge mansion. It had massive high walks and security gates, he had certainly gone up in the world. 

I walked towards the gates and noticed a horrible smell, to the right of the gates was a huge pile of human pooh. I then noticed a load of caravan parked outside of Timmy's wall. I went inside abscess greeted by a very unhappy Timmy, he was very upset about the smell. 


Thursday, 19 March 2015

Rated X

For the second time this week my dream is of an X rated type. 

That's all you're getting. Sorry. 


Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Prison break

Two foreign men were being held in a prison, it was a round tower and they were locked in the top of it. A seiren sounded and as they looked out of the window they could see water rushing in around the bottom of the tower. The seiren was a flood warning and everyone below was drowning. 

Suddenly the door unlocked and the jailer was panicking to get up the stairs with water following him up. The two men grabbed the keys from him, shut him out and locked the door from the inside sending him to a watery grave. 
They then jumped out of the window and ran across roof tops and were free men.  

I was then driving my car, I saw a police car ahead of me with its lights and seiren on, I slowed to let it pass and didn't watch where I was going. 
I scrapped a parked car and stopped to get out and check the damage. When I examined my car, it was red, my car is grey. 

The wheel arch was touching the wheel, I bent it out so I could continue to drive. I looked back at the car I had hit and no one had come to it. I decided to drive away without leaving a note. I didn't feel bad about it. 


Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Eric Clapton live at Nan's

I was back in the place of my birth in Essex, my Nan's house in Harold Wood. Always a delightful dream to be there, I spent many happy years of my childhood in her house. 

Even better when I walked into the dining room and discovered Eric Clapton sat at the table playing the guitar and singing. 
The tune sounded vaguely familiar but Eric insisted that it was a new original song he had just written. 

I sat and listened to him and another man entered from the living room. This man shouted at Eric, "That's a rip off you loser!"  



Monday, 16 March 2015

Barking tube

I was on the Barking train station in Essex, which has an underground connection to the district line. It's been many years since I've been there but the underground train used to come in and would be able to be accessed from both sides of a single track with a platform either side. 

It was always very dark too and I saw the train arrive and both sets of doors open. I ran towards an open door but seemed to be getting nowhere. The faster I ran the harder it became to reach the door. 

Just as I got to the door, Scott from work appeared from the inside of the train. He smiled at me and could clearly see I was trying to board the train before the doors closed. He reached up his hand, pushed the button and the doors closed in my face. 
Scott waved and smiled at me as the train left the station.  


Sunday, 15 March 2015

Hands off my box!

I was at work and went to get something from my box, everyone has one with their name on it to keep your stuff in. When I went to its usual place, it had gone and had been replaced by someone else's box. 

Written on the front of it was the name, J.Parr, I then noticed my box on a lower shelf. Enraged by this, I started shouting my displeasure. Everyone else in the room ignored me. I switched the boxes over putting mine back in its orginal position. 

Then not unusually, I needed the toilet. I was walking in a school were I once used to be the caretaker. I opened a door and found it to be a toilet. When I lifted the lid I saw the water was close to the top and had tissue paper floating in it. 

I flushed it and it all overflowed onto the floor, I quickly opened the door to avoid my feet getting wet and to get away before getting the blame for the flood. Standing outside the door were about 10 children waiting to use the toilet. I just shouted, "It wasn't me!"  I ran away. 


Saturday, 14 March 2015

3D X rated

I don't post my dreams when they are X rated, last night being no exception. I will say however that it did start by me watching TV and I was able to be integrated into the show in a 3D kind of way. 
Very interesting. 


Friday, 13 March 2015

Edwardian Chocolate

I had discovered a DVD case whilst looking through items in a very messy room. When I opened the case, the DVD was made of chocolate. 

I found a player and placed the chocolate disc into the draw. To my surprise, it started to play. 
It was a film set in Edwardian London and the principal actor was Az from work. 

He was dressed in fine clothes and was sporting a massive head of hair that seemed to be about 2 feet high on his head. Which is amusing, as Az doesn't have any hair. 

Az started to pace around, throwing his arms about and looking very serious. He was over acting massively and I laughed at him. 

Suddenly the film became distorted and stopped playing. I opened the disc draw and the player was full of melted chocolate. 


Thursday, 12 March 2015

Julius Caesar and the cow

As I fell to sleep last night I saw a large brown cow, sat proudly and majestically upon the cow was former Roman Dictator Julius Caesar. He wasn't holding on at all as he was holding what looked like a scroll in one hand and appeared to be holding his cape in the other. 

Suddenly the cow turned quickly, throwing the Roman statesman onto the floor. I started laughing at him as I found this very amusing. In turn my laughing in my sleep, woke my wife up. I did explain what I was laughing at, which on reflection does sound bizzare. 

Lastly I was watching 1970's actor Geoffrey Davies, who starred in TVs Doctor in the house. 
He was cooking a massive Paella. The pot was at least 10 feet in diameter and he was on a step ladder stiring it with a giant wooden spoon. 


Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Feeding ducks in the park

I feel inclined to blow my mind
Get hung up, feed the ducks with a bun
They all come out to groove about
Be nice and have fun in the sun

These awesome lyrics in my head when I woke today. From the 1967 hit, Itchycoo park by the Small Faces. 


Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Lost gun

I had taken part in a huge shootout and I was standing in the aftermath of the battle. Laying around my feet were dozens of dead bodies and the floor was blood red. I was trying to find my gun but all I had was an empty holster strapped to my belt. 

I eventually located it on a table in a room which was like an aircraft carrier. I noticed it was empty and pulled out the clip from the handle and reloaded it with dishwasher tablets. 

Lastly I was shouting at a teenage girl, my language was terrible and I called her some really bad names. She got very upset and walked away from me. I tried to follow her but lost sight of her and walked into a hotel room. 

There was a row of single beds and in each of them were various members of my family, all sound asleep. 


Monday, 9 March 2015

Hotel Venice

A lovely picturesque scene of Venice greeted me in my dream last night, even better I was with my wife and we were gently drifting along the water in a gondola. 
It was very relaxing and all I could hear was the lapping of water as we took in the beautiful views the city has to offer. 

This was short lived as the narrow waterway we were in suddendly turned into a hotel corridor, it was still filled with water and we were floating along but the scene wasn't as stunning by any means. 


Sunday, 8 March 2015

Time travel taxi

I was with a man that I didn't know and he told me that if I'd like to travel through time, then he would show me how. 

Not wishing to miss such an opportunity I eagerly agreed to take part. I was instructed that we had to place the faces of our watches flat together, but needed to still be wearing them. 

We angled our wrists so that our watch faces touched, as soon as they did I was transported away from where I was. It had become dark and I was in a taxi. 

The taxi driver pulled up and shouted at me. I got out and approached his window, he told me I owed him £90. I started arguing that he hadn't dropped me where I wanted to be and that I was supposed to have travelled in time. 

Clearly I hadn't travelled in time and there was no was way I was paying £90 for a short taxi ride. I basically walked away from the driver and kept on going. 


Saturday, 7 March 2015

Dead babies & severed feet

A bit of a morbid theme to last night, starting off with me seeing dead babies everywhere I looked. They were all naked and not injured, but lifeless and definitely dead. 

I was next walking along the street and skipped through an alley that led to a seafront. In the middle of the alley I found on the floor, a pair of servered feet. They were cleanly cut off at the ankles but the toes were blackened as if they had rotted or had frostbite. 

Aside from the way I came into the alley, there was an exit ahead of me that led to the seafront and another exit to the right. I rang the police and was told to gaurd the feet until they arrived. 

As I stood over them a group of people came from towards the seafront. I tried to tell them to stop, they did having noticed the feet, except for an elderly man. 

I told the man to stay back but he tried to push through. I decided the best way to prevent his advance was to punch him in the face. 

I hit him in the jaw which knocked him to the floor. His friends looked at me in horror. I just said, "Sorry".   


Friday, 6 March 2015

Missing dog

I spent most of the night looking for my pet Jack Russeell called Humbug. I was searching everywhere for him and whenever I started to get frantic about finding him, I remind myself that I was dreaming. 

Every now and again I'd wake up and see him asleep on the bed, drift bs I off again and continue looking for him. This went on for what seemed like hours. 


Thursday, 5 March 2015

Fairy James & the giant reefer

I was walking towards my old secondary school in Essex, the actual building has long since been demolished and replaced by housing. With me was work colleague James who can be described as a man mountain and to see him dressed in a pink fairies outfit, was very amusing. 

James on the other hand seemed oblivious to the attention he was creating and was very comfortable in his clothing. As we approached the school, a white minibus pulled up full of Irish men who immediately started laughing at James. 

One of the men got out and was holding a huge golden trumpet with a big open cone end. He then planted a giant reefer into the cone end and put the small end in his mouth. He lit it and handed it to me. As I smoked the joint I could see the minibus filling with smoke and as laughter echoed from inside, it crashed into the back of a sports car. 

Two blonde females got out of the car and James went over in at attempt to chat them up. This didn't go too well given his attire and he walked off upset and confused as to why his chat up lines weren't working. 


Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Toilet time

In my messed up mind last night, it decided that the best way to inform me that I required the toilet, was to put it into my dream. 
I was in a house, walked into the bathroom and found the cistern had been removed and the ball cock was on the floor. 

Having prepared my body to wee as I entered the room, there then became a panic to assemble the cistern back together again before I wet myself. 
On the floor were several different ball cocks and other bits of twisted mental. 

In my frantic efforts to put the toilet back together I could feel myself really needing to pee, that was fortunately the moment I woke up and made a dash to the bathroom. Phew. 


Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Killer cat & stepdad

I firstly got a very rude and painful awaking last light when my wife accedently elbowed me in the eye. Aside from that I was drifting off again when I saw some very cute but tiny puppies running around and my Jack Russell playing with them. 

He gently picked one up in his mouth and started to carry it off. Suddenly my dog turned into my ginger cat who still with the puppy in his mouth, bit down on it making a hideous crunching sound. I screamed out in an attempt to stop him but bolted out of my dream with my wife wondering what was going on. 

Lastly I was at my mums house and she appeared to have re married, much to my disgust, it was to works supervisor, Rory. Rory was sat in the living room talking crap and acting as if he was king of the castle. I told him that I was going to knock him out. 

He then became very cocky, saying that if I thought I was hard enough to bring it on. I could feel my anger quickly rising up within me and I knew it wasn't going to end well for Rory. I started to walk towards him, fully intent on smashing his face in. Sadly the dream changed direction and I was with in a room with a former neighbour of mine. 

My old neighbour, Sue, was saying that she had been away in a mental institution but it was a mistake and she wasn't mad. I was just gutted that Rory had vanished. 


Sunday, 1 March 2015

There's Wally

My wife and myself had been to watch a children's film at the cinema and were in the city centre looking for a way to get home. The city looked vaguely familiar, but also somewhat foreign to us. 

I informed my wife that our friend Matt was sending someone to guide us home. My wife's reaction to this was, "I really hope it's not one of Matts movie geek friends, you know how weird they are!"  

As we walked along the street we turned the corner, and a man dressed in a where's Wally costume waved at us and said, "Hi Matt sent me to get you home". My wife just turned to me and started laughing.  

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