Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Waitrose meth lab

I was visiting my local Waitrose supermarket and discovered that it was a front for a meth lab. Various areas were cordoned off and staff were cooking up the illegal drug. As I wandered around someone shouted out, "Get him, he's discovered our lab!"  

Several members of staff ran towards me and I immediately turned into a Kung Fu expert and started smashing them with my martial arts skills. I was also able to jump 20 feet into the air and hide in the ceiling area. After a while the staff gave up looking for me. 

I then appeared through a doorway into the main lab area and banged the door to get the staffs attention. They looked over at me and thought they had me cornered. With a click of my fingers, hundreds of armed police ran in and arrested everyone in the room. 
I stood arms crossed looking rather smug. 

Lastly I was entering a small highstreet shop, as I walked in a young lad with very blonde hair was smiling at me. I took an instant dislike to him and punched him in the face. Instead of wiping the grin off his face, the punch made him smile even more, I punched him again but he still smiled. 

I lent in close to him and whispered, "I will kill you". This appeared to work and the smile vanished from his face. As he stood there I delivered one final punch to his face, this knocked him out and I left the shop happy. 

 

Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Dream writer

I often, as a memory aid, wake up and make a note on my phone during my nights dreaming. These act as a jog to recall what has been going on in my head. I thought that's what I was doing last night but when I'd looked at my phone, I'd already posted my dream. 

I turned and asked my wife how to spell a couple of words, as the post made no sense, with misspelled words and poor grammar. She uncharacteristicly struggled with the spellings and I was becoming frustrated that my dream had been posted and no one would understand it. 

I then woke this morning, having made no notes during the night but I recalled it had all been part of my dream. So in effect, I am writing about a dream, where I had written about a dream. I think. 

 

Monday, 29 December 2014

Runaway Humbug

I was in my back garden and the fence divide between myself and my neighbours house had vanished completely. As I looked over into the neighbours garden, it turned into the next door garden of my mothers house. 

I shouted out to my wife to keep our dog, Humbug inside just as he ran past me into next door. I called out to my normally obedient dog and he completly ignored me. He ran straight into the kitchen and I watched him running around knocking chairs over. 

Despite my best endeavours to get Humbug to return to me, he continued running around like a dog possessed. I then heard my American neighbour shout out and I immediately turned and ran into my house to hide. 

 

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Chimney trouble

I was at home and the ingle nook fire place in the living room collapsed and was a heep of rubble on the floor. I picked up my phone to ring my landlady when I heard the front door close. 

I ran out to see my wife returning home with our dog, humbug. I beckoned her into the living room to show her the mess and upon entering, the fire place was in tact.  

 

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Vladimir Putin's garden

I was Russian president Vladimir Putin and I was attending to my garden which consisted of raised beds that were slightly overgrown. As I dug over the soil, I found pieces of smashed coloured glass. 

When I put these together they made a picture of Marvel comic characters. I laid them down in a corner and stuck them together with clear tape. 

I then noticed a row of eye level kitchin units hanging in the air in front of me. When I opened a door I could see straight through it into the distance. 

There I saw a coach parked next to a large hill. When I glanced under the units, the coach wasn't there. Looking back through the cupboard, a woman and small boy got out of the coach and started to walk towards me. 

My wife appeared and hastily informed me that she was after all of my money and that I needed to run from her. Calmly, I just stopped looking through the cupboard and her and the child vanished. 

I then continued to tend to my garden, digging up a huge root that was about 20 feet long. I cut it into slices and placed it on top of the coloured Marvel glass.  



 

Friday, 26 December 2014

Sleep & cannabis

Last night I was at work, but I was in a cinema, which isn't my usual place of employment. In the darkened atmosphere were hundreds of seats and everyone that is employed where I work, filled the seats. 
Given the poor lighting which made it hard to see anyone, I took this opportunity to go to sleep, putting my feet up on the back of the seat in front of me. 

This was my downfall as I kicked the head of supervisor, Adam, who told me to go and do some work. Unhappy at this I left the cinema and found myself in a swimming pool. I had to walk through the foot splash to enter but I didn't want to get my boots wet. 

I turned around and went in another direction through a door which led me outside, where I found work colleague, George. He was with two others but I didn't know them and they were discussing buying some cannabis. George asked me to contribute towards the illegal purchase but I told him I didn't have a penny on me. 

The three of them left me as I was of no use to them and I peered from behind a door as they dealt with a drug dealer and bought a massive lump of cannabis resin. They couldn't see me watching and as I looked on I made notes in a small notebook. 



 

Thursday, 25 December 2014

Food shed

I was in a massive wooden garden shed and was fixing all the sides together to prevent it from falling down. I took ages in screwing the side walls to the roof and when I thought it was all secure, I climbed to the top of the door and released a guide rope. 

As the rope dropped, the entire structure started to fall forwards like playing cards that had been stacked. I smashed to the floor in a heap of timber, as the wood hit the floor, it all turned into hundreds of pieces of fruit and vegtables. 



  

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

A vague memory

As the title suggests, I can only remember a glimpse of my nights dreaming. I know that it involved my wife and two work colleauges, but I have that annoying vagueness that I'm often told most people get about their dreams. 

Oh well, maybe I'm going to have a normal sleep pattern and be normal like everyone else? 
I'm sure it's just a blip. 

 

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Beds and dentists

I was at home with my friend and work colleague, Suki when there was a knock on the back door, which is unusual. My dog was going mad barking at the door and I unlocked it to find a young lad delivering a bed. 

I was a little confused, having not ordered one when Suki said that he had ordered it and got me a massive discount as he knew the guy selling it. 

An older man in a black suit came in, he looked more like an undertaker. The bed was one of those electric hospital beds and the two men carried it into my kitchen. The older guy asked which room upstairs I wanted it assembled. 

He then asked me to sign for it and that the price was £3,000. With this Suki starting shouting, "Hang on sunshine, he wouldn't charge me that, I know the boss". 

The older guy wrote on the receipt, ' grumpy and refusing the order', he then handed it to me to sign. I wrote, 'You old bastard' on it and handed it back. 

I was next at the bottom of some old rotten wooden stairs and I was holding my I pad. I pressed a button on it and it buzzed an intercom, the voice on the other end I instantly reconised as Andy from work. 

He was saying he was a dentist and that if I came up he would examine my teeth. I knew this wasn't his profession and so went along with it. 

I opened a door and stepped out onto a wet wooden decking, I knew it was wet because I only had socks on. I got to the top and was greeted by Andy who didn't seem to reconise me. 

He opened a garage door and it contained a vintage Jaguar car, we got in the front and it had a circular window that looked like the bridge of a ship. Andy put the car into gear and it went backwards, smashing into the back wall of the garage. 



 

Monday, 22 December 2014

Banana's & wind

I began by entering a tiny cafe and was given a pot of tea without even asking for it by the lady behind the counter, who winked at me knowingly. I sat and poured out a cup of hot tea and then jumped up shouting, "Bugger, I forgot to shave"! I rubbed my chin to confirm my stubble. 

I was then walking home with my mum and wife after going shopping. Mum had a shopping trolley on wheels but was struggling to pull it due to all her purchases. My wife asked me to pull it and I raised my arm and an artic lorry started to reverse towards us. 

I said that the driver was Britain's tallest man but warned them not to mention it as he was self conscious about his height. The driver got out and looked of average height. He hooked up a tow rope to mums trolley and then sat on a chair and put his feet up. He had a Liverpool accent and was moaning about how His home town was such a rough place to live now. 

Finally I was laying in bed needing the toilet. I could hear the wind howling outside and got up and found that I had a banana in my mouth. I started eating it but I was full up and couldn't finish it. I stood over the toilet and dropped the banana down the pan. Above my head was an open window which was rattling in the wind, I reached up but it was too high.

I then floated off the ground until I reached the window and shut it, the sound of the wind didn't stop, I woke from my sleep and the wind was blowing hard outside and had entered my dream, along with my need to pee. There was no banana. 

    

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Digger

Another disturbed dream, snatching away most of my memories of it. The reason today was a rather annoying bleep at 05.30, which turned out to be my alarm to get up for work. 

Before being rudely interrupted, I was digging a hole with a large shovel. I'm afraid that's all I have.  

 

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Dream mugging

I was dreaming about a work colleague called Spooner, I know that he was talking away about something, and I'd normally remember more detail but something happened to shock me out of my dream. 

I was listening intently to Spooners words of wisdom when suddenly someone put a hand over my mouth and I thought I was being attacked. In between struggling with trying to comprehend what was going on and the fear of my attack, I pulled out of my dream. 

The reason I awoke with such a start, apparently I was snoring and my wife reach a hand over to nudge me and stop me disturbing her sleep. The hand landed on my face and instantly I was dreaming I was being mugged. 

All in all a bit of a surreal experience, funny how real time events can slip into the subconscious.  


 

Friday, 19 December 2014

Girl in a box

Carrying on from the box theme, last night I started off by being at a hotel, I'd totally forgotten to take any clothes and the ones I was wearing were starting to smell. 

To combat this, I went into the shower fully clothed and washed myself and them in one operation. As I emerged dripping wet I saw two boys in my room. 

They were trying to hide something in the wardrobe and I pushed them out of the way to see. Laying inside a cardboard box with a clear plastic front, was a life size doll. 

The doll was fixed to the inside of the box with plastic coated wire ties and the head and arms were not attached to the body. When I looked closer, the doll was real and had been dismembered. 

I looked around at the two boys just in time to see them running by out of the door. 

  

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Lost in London

Along with a guy I didn't know, I was in the centre of London and on route to Liverpool to watch a football match. We had lots of time before our train and so decided to go for a walk. Unfortunately I lost sight of the guy I was with and became hopelessly lost. 

I could still here him talking however, he was saying how stupid it was of me to get lost as I am from London, he was actually starting to annoy me when I spotted a large cardboard box on the floor. I picked it up and it appeared empty as it was very light. 

I continued to walk, still being annoyed by the voice of the guy I had lost, ŵhen I saw a woman with a child. They were being pestered by an Asian looking man, he was making very improper suggestions towards the woman. She was trying to be polite to him but he wasn't going away. 

Partly angry at the voice still taunting me for being lost and the Asian man not leaving the woman be, I ran at him in a rage. I smashed the cardboard box into his face knocking him over and shouted, "Come on then, you want some of me?!"
 I tried to kick the man but my cardboard box got in the way and for some reason I wasn't letting it go. 

The Asian man thought better of fighting a crazy cardboard box welding maniac, and fled. The woman when I looked was running off up the street with her child. 

 

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Red hot poker

I woke with such a start today from what was in effect a very short dream. No idea where I was, I think I was laying down when I heard a female voice from behind me. 

She said, "Right, bend over I'm sticking a hot poker up your bum". Such was my immediate alarm and distress at this impending violation of my body, that I woke up thankful of finding myself safe in my bed. 

   

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Night life

The setting for last nights dream was unknown, I was in the darkness, outside and it was warm. I think I was either in a bush or hidden in trees or similar. 

I was armed with a pair of night vision binoculars and was scooping for wildlife. There was total silence all around me and nothing, not even a mouse was stirring. 

I remained like this for what seemed hours until I eventually realised I was looking at the window in my bedroom. 

The question is, was I lying awake or was that part of the dream? Maybe it was a mixture of the two.  

 

Monday, 15 December 2014

Australian assassin & toothpaste wee

An Austrailian teenage boy was laying on a rooftop with a sniper rife and had it pointed at the street below. He lined up a random target and took them out with a single shot, the ensuing chaos made it difficult to shoot other targets, but he managed to kill another four people before deciding to leave. 

The boy ran on a slope that circled the building and as he decended, armed police ran up the slope. The boy had left the rife on the roof and by just standing still, the police ran straight past him. He almost reached the bottom before being caught by one of his teachers. Fortunately they just told him to go home as their was a sniper on the roof. 

I then as often dreampt I was going to the toilet, which normally means I need to pee. I stood over the toilet and instead of wee, toothpaste came out! It was red, blue and white striped too, and due to its minty flavour, tingled slightly. 

Lastly I was approaching a building that I was aware that a lorry had overturned outside of earlier. There was no crashed lorry present but a hole in the road that was lorry sized. I was holding a large folder under my arm that was my personal development portfolio, something I'd completed many years ago at work. 

I was looking for my supervisor Mike, who for unknown reasons had asked me to bring it to him to inspect. Inside I was waiting outside in the corridor to a large hall, it was full of new recruits and a huge table of cakes were next to me for when they came out. 

Standing next to me were, Pipi and Trinder, we all looked at the cakes and then looked at each other. Within seconds they were gone, I stuffed two in my mouth and as many as I could in my pockets. The other two did the same. 

 

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Top secret, shoes & whores

To start with I was walking towards my mums house, something I dream of frequently. My companion on this occasion was a lady of the night, I knew this because my brain had her wearing stockings, a short leather skirt and she was of course swinging her handbag. 

As I approached ever nearer to my childhood home, I was becoming very concerned how I was going to explain to my mum why I'd bought a prositute home. 

Fortunately upon reaching my destination, she had vanished and I found myself on the landing between my old bedroom and that of my sisters. Piled high blocking my door were hundreds of shoes. 

I kicked them all into my sisters room, laughing as I did, knowing they would be in trouble for the mess. 

Lastly I was in a very dark room on my own when friend and work colleauge Mildred came in with a group of people. It was too dark to make out who they were. 

Mildred said she had to show a video to the group and it contained top secret information about work. 
I then was able to make out supervisor Sharon who told me I'd have to leave. I started to yawn and drift off to sleep. As I did I said, "I've seen it, it's no secret" 


 

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Dirty protest

I appeared to be guarding a man who was sat in a cell. The normal concrete, four square walls with a metal door. I was outside of the cell but the door was open, not really sure why this was required and I couldn't just shut the door. 

With me was a nurse, dressed in white with the old style nurses hat. I watched the man for a while and got bored and started to chat to the nurse, when I glanced back at the man, he had smeared his own shit all over the walls. I approached him and asked why he had done this. His reply was, "You are a c**t!"

With this the nurse entered, spoke something I didn't hear to the man and he suddenly started singing. The scene was rather odd. A man covered in his own excrement in a cell singing to a nurse. 

  

Friday, 12 December 2014

Tree art by dame Judy

I was in a forest clearing watching various different people cutting trees. They wasn't cutting them down, but trimming branches and creating them into different sculptures. 

Some were using chain saws and some, such as actress Dame Judy Dench, were using hand saws to make their art. After hours of work, a whistle blew and everyone stopped to present their creations. 

There were various animals and imaginative carvings and Dame Judy stood proudly next to her tree which she had basically just cut the branches off and left it as a long pole. 

Amazingly hers won and everyone looked on in a state of disbelief. Clearly it was fixed for her to win and the others walked off in disgust. 

 

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Curry and battleships

I was with my wife in a restaurant at some kind of either birthday party or stag do, I wasn't able to establish which or if even that was the occasion. The only other person I could recognise was friend and work colleague, Lee Ann. She was tucking into a huge plate of garlic bread. Everyone else was eating curry. 

There was a man at her table that was being force fed alcoholic drinks and was becoming very ill looking. As I watched him have drink after drink poured into him, I became drunk from just looking at him. I stood up and fell over, announcing to my wife that we really needed to leave. 

We then walked out of the room and found ourselves high up on a battleship. The vessel was huge and we began to plot a route down to escape. There wasn't any proper footing and we gingerly climbed down. As we descended, I became sober, being completely sober by the time we reached the lower deck. 

I was then walking down the street close to my mums house when I saw a canvas bag of workman's tools in the road. I headed over to them and saw my dad also moving towards the bag from the oppersite direction. We met at the bag, scooped up the tools and continued to mums house. 

As we walked a group of men on the other side of the street started saying that we had stolen the tools and that they would call the police. Dad looked over at me and smiled, he said, "Don't worry Son, they can't prove anything".  

 

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Boom!

Get in, it may have only been 4 hours of sleep after a night shiftz, but it was a total and uninterrupted sleep with no dreaming. 

I actually feel refreshed. 

     

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Steam roller

Along with my wife we were on a day out and arrived at a field. Housed within the field was a huge steam roller, I was having a ride on it as a treat. A woman with a clipboard greeted us and pointed out that due to fading light we would have to get on board right away. 

My wife was extremely organised and had with her a change of clothes as she knew we would get dirty during the ride. I was stressing as I hadn't thought of this and didn't want to get my clothes ruined and was being pressured to get on the steam roller. As I looked at the rear of it, I saw that it had car reversing lights and indicators, and a number plate that read 175. 

When I was a child my dad bought me a working model of a steam roller. 

 

 

   

Monday, 8 December 2014

Blind, deaf & burgers

I was on the seafront at the Lincolnshire resort of Skegness, somewhere I used to live over 15 years ago. I was walking through one of the many stalls and shops set out on the street when I came across a man who was clearly blind as he had a white stick and was feeling where he was going. 

As I tried to walk passed him he started singing out loud at me, I attempted to move but he was following me despite not being able to see me. I wanted him to leave me alone and so I just shouted at him, "I'm sorry I am deaf!"  
With this he stopped singing and walked off. 

I was next on a London Underground train which was full with passengers. A young teenage girl shouted out, "Anybody want a burger?"  She had a massive bag full of hot burgers and started handing them around. Everyone was very pleased. 

I took one and I opened the bap up to inspect its contents and found that every item within it was wrapped in cling film. I looked up and saw everyone biting into their burgers, I shouted out, "Don't eat them, she has put cling film in them!"  

With this everyone started to throw their burgers at the female and got off of the train. The girl gave me a death stare and I walked off the train smiling at happy with what I had done. 


        

Sunday, 7 December 2014

White trash & jet ski commando killers

I was firstly woken up by my wife who was inquiring as to why I was shouting out, "Get me some white trash!"  I think even if I could remember what that was about, I'd best not elaborate further. 

I was next in some kind of battlefield, two men had been causing havoc by riding around on jet skis and shooting hundreds of people dead. I managed to punch one of them as he drove past me and I killed him by a bullet to the head. 

I shouted out loud, "Watch yourselves everyone, these guys are commandos". I then set about attempting to catch the other one but he had driven off. 

Next I was trying to wet shave at a river, I was using a very blunt razor as I kept cutting my chin. I was then confronted by two boy Pygmys who had huge bulging eyes. 

They seemed fascinated by what I was doing but their presence annoyed me. I simply said to them, "Go away or I will kill you". Clearly they understood English and left with hast. 

 

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Snake risotto

Last night I was a large snake, Python size, to give some perspective. I was in a field but standing next to a table. When I say standing, I was raised up like a cobra would be and admiring a risotto that I had made, it was in a bowl. 

There were a lot of people standing around me, none of which I knew. They all were looking puzzled and talking amounst themselves as to how I had actually managed to make a risotto without any arms and legs. 
I have no idea. 

 

Friday, 5 December 2014

Can anybody hear me?

I was returning home late at night in a works transit van. When I arrived outside of my house there was nowhere to park, fortunately the houses that once stood oppersite my house had become a massive car park. 

There was an entrance to the car park but an array of metal barriers were placed all over it. They were set out like a maze and with careful manoveouring I was able to reach the centre and park. 

As I walked towards my house I saw a Police Community Support Worker. I said hello but he totally ignore me. It then suddenly became a bright sunny day. 

In a car I noticed work supervisors, Jerry and Kirsty, again I said hello and this time waved at them. Once again I was totally ignored. Annoyed by this I went into my house. 

Inside I found that it was a large open space with a table in the middle. I sat at the table and friends Mildred and Steve entered. I waved frantically at them and shouted hello. 
Steve said, "What's up with you, fat boy?"

 

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Bed bath

I often need the toilet in the night and it manifests into my dream, with last night as no exception. I was at my birthplace, which was my nans old house in Essex, England. 

I was needing the toilet and so went into the bathroom only to find a clothes horse taking up most of the room. There was no toilet but there was a bath full of water. Desperation took over and I climbed the clothes dryer and stood in the tub up to my knees in water. 

I started to pee in the bath water and the door opened, a woman came in and said, "It's your brother", my older sister then walked in followed by about 10 of her friends. 

I immediately stopped and sat down in the bath, I kept asking them to leave but more women kept coming into the room. In the end I decided to take my clothes off and actually have a bath. 

At this point an old Irish man in a dress came in and got into the bath with me and went to sleep. Unhappy at this I got out despite my nakedness and left the room. 

 

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

The swarm

I started off by being with my wife in Scotland. We were walking along a seaside town that appeared abandoned as a holiday resort, there was some road works going on but we had a long stretch of sea front to ourselves. 

We were next leading out our horses into a massive field. When we reached the middle a man in a tricycle rode past, just as he did a huge black mass descended upon us. 

The mass was a swarm of flies and they completely covered us and the horses. We ran back for cover and upon reaching the shelter it had been converted into a luxury apartment. The horses loved it. 

Lastly I was wandering around London trying to remember my way around. As I walked past landmarks I made mental notes to help me get back again. 

I reached a train station that only had steam trains and I decided to go back. I walked out into the street and was instantly lost! 

 

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

God bless you Goliath

On a moving train sat next to my wife I was happily looking out of the window. I was completely naked but no one seemed to notice or if they did, weren't bothered by my lack of clothing. The train slowed momentarily and as I glanced to my left out of the window I saw work colleague Mark, who is nicknamed the Vicar. 

Mark was actually dressed as a vicar and was making the sign of the cross as we passed him. We both laughed at this. 

Next I was in the middle of a battle and I was a soldier. I was with someone else and we had run out of ammo. I then saw a Goliath, this is from the latest Call of Duty game, Advanced Warfare and is a huge robot that you can get inside of. 

We both ran and jumped inside it and I started firing the guns. Instead of bullets or lazer beams, water came out. I then noticed that we were in a huge garden centre and the Goliath was actually a gimmick for watering the plants. 

I got out of the machine and a man tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around the guy told me that my hair was sticking up. Embarrassed by this I ran to the bathroom to check my hair. 

 

Monday, 1 December 2014

Cats and dogs

I was in a room with large bay windows which looked out over a busy shopping centre. The room looked like a living room of a house that had been converted into a doctors waiting room. I ran out of the room into the crowded street, I commando rolled and jumped over bins and signs. 

After a while of being completely ignored by everyone I went back into the room I'd previously occupied. There was now a man and woman sitting in there and they had a Border Collie dog, then my Jack Russell appeared and started growling at it as he has an issue with small dogs despite being one himself. 

I then glanced out of the window to see that the scene had changed to that of a field of long grass. The grass had tracks in it that had been made by cats that were running around in the grass. 
Suddenly the man stood up holding a parrot on his arm and threw a treat out of the window for the cats. 

 
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