Sunday, 30 September 2012

Prison Fag

To start with I had entered an old pub and walked up to the bar to get a drink. There were one or two people seated around but no one waiting to be served.
The two bar staff completely ignore me and I left with a sad feeling.

By contrast I was next in prison with my wife. We had a joint cell which was nice, it had our bikes inside and wet washing hanging on string across the cell.

We were being released and had been given a half smoked cigarette each. Mine had a cut all the way down it exposing all the tobacco.
Buck from our work was there and offered us cigarette papers and I set about repairing the fags.

Finally I'm at my mums house and she has given me an ordinance survey map which I am using a highlighter pen to plot a route for a walk on. I am upstairs in my bedroom but it looks like the small bedroom that I used to sleep in when I stayed at my Nan's house.
I can hear mum talking and think she is calling to me, I shout out but she keeps talking, so I go to investigate.

I go down and in the hallway is standing my dear departed nan. I am so happy to see her smiling face and I woke up smiling myself.

Fag, a British colloquialism for cigarette
Fag, or faggot (slang), an American English slur for a homosexual or effeminate man.
Just to save confusion.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Giant things

Immediately as I shut my eyes I could see the roof beams in my house which appeared normal until a pair of giant eyes opened that were embedded into the wood.
This startling me so much I shouted out and in turn startled my wife.

As I lay my head back on the pillow I was confronted with the image of my dog yawning and a giant wasp flew out. Same effect on me and again my ever patient wife disturbed once again.

The rest of my night consisted of snap shots of various scenes such as me entering a fish and chip shop to be greeted by my cousin Dawn with a beige coloured carpet on the floor.

Upon leaving a mini supermarket that I locked up as I walked out, my wife decided to run off giggling in a game of chase and I couldn't catch her.

Finally I was in a working mans club to play a game of pool. The table was old and worn, the cloth on the table ripped and faded and there were only three pockets along one side.
With the difficult playing surface, I make it even harder by announcing I'm going to play left handed instead of my usual right.

I woke at this point before what would have been no doubt an embarrassing defeat.


Friday, 28 September 2012

Silent night

I just want you to dance with me tonight,
So come on, ooh, oh baby,
I just want you to dance with me tonight.

How annoying to have this song in my head from my Sleep.
Its the irritating tune from the equally tedious Olly Murs, a 'singer' from one of the endless TV talent shows that give ordinary people the chance to hit the big time. (Mainly hitting the switch of Christmas lights in an unknown town).

This was also the only audible part of my dream as the rest was in complete silence.
I was walking along a city centre high street at night and tried to approach a group of men to speak with them.

When I tried to talk, I was unable too and became increasingly frustrated with my mute state as all the men just looked at me and moved away.

Finally I just wandered off into the night, sad and alone with just Olly Murs singing to me!

Still can't get rid of the song. Bad times.


Thursday, 27 September 2012

Tidy injection

Another deep sleep after a night shift, I'm was dreaming just before waking that I was at work inside the hedge in my mums back garden.
The hedge, normal from the outside was an office building once within.

There was a female supervisor instructing everyone to tidy the office and not to leave any paperwork laying around.
I painstakingly logged and filed every document and piece of paper in the room, placing them all neatly in folders.

The boss Malc walked in and approached me and said, 'You filled this out wrong!' Waving a form at me.
Without warning he then stabbed me straight in the chest with a hypodermic needle.

I looked in horror as I started to loose consciousness and fell to the floor.
The last thing I heard was Malc saying,'Don't let it happen again'.

But harsh really.


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Show me the money!

Last night/mornings dream was very straight forward.
I was with Lorraine from my work, which I was last night in my non slumbered state too. We had hold of a very tall Scottish man and were taking him to a police station after apprehending him. I don't know what for.

He had his fist held tightly shut and I could see some £20 notes in it. I asked him to release his grasp but he just smiled and said, 'You'll never get me to open it'.
With this Lorraine slammed him onto the floor and we both proceeded to punch him in the face until he opened his hand.
Beaten and bloody, we counted out the cash between us and let him go.

I would state that this in no way reflects my normal working practice. I can't speak for Lorraine though.


Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Jelly shelves & Christmas socks

Working night shifts this week which has an effect upon my dreaming in that my sleeping is deeper. Despite this, I dreamt that I was in a very large room attempting to arrange a children's party.

Shish from work arrived and decided to take over as I clearly was uninterested and was putting zero effort into it.
Scattered around the room were large cube shelving units that were all wobbling like jelly on a plate and a few collapsed.

I was then in a changing room preparing to go home on my bicycle. I put on an elaborate pair of Christmas themed socks, complete with holy and Santa's on them.
Next I packed my empty lunch box into my rucksack.
My rucksack was bright pink and furry in the shape of a teddy bears head.

As I ride home I pass a long hedge that is cut into the shape of a castle wall, complete with turrets and a drawbridge.


Monday, 24 September 2012

Camper van & conkers

Not sure why my brain is so fixated on time travel lately, but last night I transported back to 1968. And I was actor Richard O Sullivan too.

As Richard I flew in a VW camper van through the sky, arriving at a riverside camping holiday. I knew it was 1968 as the Bee Gees song, 'Gotta get a message to you', was playing whilst I walked around the site.
Waiting for the song to end I looked and saw my camper van had turned into a boat but was on fire. The realisation then hit me that I was now stuck in 1968 forever more.

I then was walking around, as myself now, collecting horse chestnuts for the forth coming World conker championships for which I was the reining World number one.
Walking with me was an Alien that looked like a normal human and I was trying to explain the competition to him but he just couldn't grasp why I had a horse chestnut on a piece of string.

Actually when you think about it .......


Sunday, 23 September 2012

Naked custard tea

I spent my dream naked and exposed out in public for all to see. To make things worse my wife was video recording me as I strolled along the street.
My aunt and uncle, Joan and Ron were at my mums house and I was returned to make them a cup of tea, still naked.

When I poured from the tea pot, it was a thick yellow custard and they looked very unimpressed.
I decided to start again and filled the kettle from the tap. This too was custard!

As I woke I had Wham's 'Last Christmas', in my head.
Originally released in 1984 and numerous years since, it's never made the number one slot.

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Wine guns & Russians

I began my night in a pub taking part in a pool competition.
Unfortunately having arrived late I got a makeshift table made from plywood that was balanced on four chairs. It had no pockets and my cue had a wine gum stuck on the tip. Every time I took a shot, the white ball stuck to my cue.

I was next walking through a wooded area and saw a car drive into a large puddle and sink. From within the car three men got out. Two men in suits and a huge man who was blind.

I carried on and met my wife and good friend Martin in the hight street.
We walked and chatted, I looked around and the blind man was directly behind us with the two other men in suits walking ahead of us.
As we continued the blind man was everywhere we went. Getting annoyed at this I stopped and confronted the man. He stood at least 6 foot 8 and was a mountain of a man. He spoke in a Russian accent and said, "I'm going to kill your Son".

At this point I proceeded to get a gun out of my pocket and put it against his head.
Martin and my wife do the same and he soon changes his mind and leaves.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Pantomime & wasps

I was sitting in a huge auditorium watching a pantomime. One half of the audience seating was empty and I was treated to a robot ventriloquist that had a doll in a crash helmet.
The robot also had a metal helmet on so I was unable to see any lips move which I guess is the aim of the act but not what I was expecting.

At exactly 23 minutes into the show the other half of the audience filled the empty seats. They were all coloured coordinated in red, blue and yellow tops and sat in coloured blocks relating to their shirts.

I was next at a team briefing at work and my wife noticed a swarm of wasps in the room and totally freaked. This is something she does when awake too.
Panic spread throughout the room and everyone stampeded from the briefing.
I then couldn't find my boots and searched for ages before realising I was wearing them.

Lastly I was a small boy standing at the edge of the pavement to cross the road. On the opposite side of the road was a bakers shop.
As I put one foot in the road the shop starts to change and goes back in time, I put my foot back on the pavement and the shop reverts back to normal.

As I stand there a red left hand drive BMW slowly drives past me. At the wheel is my friend Mary and her partner Lee in the passenger seat.
As I place a foot in the road again, the shop goes back in time again and the car moves in slow motion.



Thursday, 20 September 2012

Time travelling kippers

Quite a lot going on last night and it was cut short by a 5am alarm call.

To start, my wife and myself were riding push bikes into an indoor swimming pool. I had a puncture and we abandoned them pool side and went to our garden to see our guinea pigs, Eric and Ernie.
Eric had his head stuck in the cage due to being fat, but Ernie had escaped and was running around the field. Upon closer inspection they had both turned into Chincillas and as I caught Ernie he was panting and told me he was very tired. He spoke like a cartoon chipmunk.

Next I saw a female in a hotel room. She was dressed in the style of someone from the 1930's and as she stood there she travelled in time forwards to today.
As the hotel room changed around her a row of steaming kippers appeared hanging in the room.

A lift door opened where the room door was and it was full of people.
The female entered the elevator and everyone looked at her in disgust as the odour of smoked kippers hit their noses.

I exit the same hotel into the street and notice one of our cats sleeping in the bottom of a tree pot next to the door. As I'm looking at him, Lorraine from work runs up to me and tells me there's been a murder in the street.
As she continues speaking I hear the alarm going off for work and Lorraine started to fade away and vanished, still talking as I woke.


Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Fruit & bone car

My wife and myself were in my car attempting to arrange a fruit bowl in the back window.
Unsure of the correct etiquette regarding fruit displays in cars, I called at my neighbours house to ask him and came out with an envelope he thought I wanted. Really didn't make myself clear on that one!

I was then in my car in an underground car park when an black old style Ford Granada rammed me from behind and drove off.
Giving chase, the outer shell of my car fell away leaving me floating along just holding the steering wheel.
The wheel was made of bone and the steering column was a human spine.

Loosing sight of the car, I think the driver has run into a house and I enter to search for him.
Once in the house I find singer Pink holding a baby. She is happy to see me and asks if I can change the baby into its night clothes.


Tuesday, 18 September 2012

Giant cats & caravans

Another disturbance for my wife to deal with as I woke her shouting in my sleep.
The reason being, I was in a room that had a glass door and I could see a face staring at me through the top part of the door. It was black and white and resembled Merlin, one of our cats but was human size.

I opened the door quickly and Merlin jumped me and started to attack me. He was as big as a lion. Alarmed by this I began to wave my arms about and scream.
I was given a shake by my wife but as I awoke a huge black rat ran across the top of the wardrobe.

Back to my slumber and it's Christmas day and hundreds of children arrive at our house for dinner. We have nothing but water to offer them. They are very disappointed.

I am finally about to race a tall black boy at swimming. Saying I'm so confident he can have a head start.
The boy jumps in the pool and heads off, I leap and land ahead of him in the water and swim to the end triumphant.

When I look back at the pool, it's full of fish and we are inside a caravan. An angry looking man remonstrates that I rocked his caravan when I jumped in the water.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Field of dreams

Lately I have had this strangest feeling,
with no vivd reasons here to find.
Yet the thought of losing's been hanging, round my mind...

A really calm serene wander through the countryside last night to the above song. Stevie Wonder singing, Lately.
It was sunny, the birds were singing and all was good with the World.

Except for once again needing to pee. As often in my sleep, I need the toilet and this transfers into my dream.
I was completely alone with miles of open fields before me, but I was searching for a place to relieve myself where I wouldn't be seen.

Lately was recorded for Stevie Wonders album Hotter than July (1981).

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Black is black

I woke with the song, 'Things can only get better' by D:ream which I have had before. Maybe my brain likes the groups name being Dream.
There was no colour in my dream, apart from black and grey.

Before this I was in a beach hut looking out at a deserted dull winter scene. I was on the toilet going about my business and the front of the hut was open.
I was sat there so long I fell asleep. When I woke I wasn't able to reach the toilet paper so I just fell back to sleep.

Not sure if I then had the next part of my dream whilst asleep within my dream on the toilet.
But I was running along the street with two black dogs, I told one to stay and it sat obediently. Trying to catch the other dog I found a black Ford Capri unlocked and jumped in.
Driving as fast as the car would go I still couldn't catch the dog.

I arrived at the underground station close to my mums house and started to walk down the hill with a pillow under my arm.
Above my head on a suspended rail, a black train passed by, my wife was in it and I waved to her.

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Honeycomb hell

Sometimes my dreams are extensive and complex, taking many different twists and turns into a surreal and unfathomable world.
Other times they are more straight forward.

I was entrapped within the centre of a honeycombed chocolate Crunchie bar, surrounded on all sides by the yellow surgery delight.
Unable to move except for my eyes, all I could do was survey my honeycomb tomb and pray for an escape.

My release came in the form of a bouncing Jack Russell, jumping on my head and propelling me out of my encasement and back into the waking world.

I guess I could have tried eating my way out?



Friday, 14 September 2012

Police avoidance

I was on the run from the police last night and I was really good at staying out of sight. Despite a major operation to bring me to justice, I remained undetected.

Skipping through roadblocks and cordons, I was a master of disguise.
Standing out like a sore thumb, I was dressed in a white suit, top hat and had my face covered in a bandage and strutted along mincing like I was as gay as gay could be.
Falling short of having a neon arrow above my head, I walked blatantly past hundreds of police.

I entered into a bank and onto the first floor where a lone female employee was working.
I grabbed her around the neck in a choke hold and demanded that she take the £8 admin charge off my account.
The terrified woman attempted to pick up a phone to call for help.
I threw her to the floor and set about punching her to the head until she was a bloody beaten mess and the life had gone from her body.

Calmly walking out of the front of the bank and into a police car, I drove through every checkpoint exchanging waves to the members of law enforcement.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Worlds end & volcano rice pudding

I have to say that the end of the World is amazing. Not the destruction of the planet but the actual place that is the end of the World.
I was there last night along with a man mountain of an American looking on in wonder at the spectacular scene from outside a hotel.

It was a beautiful Golden beach with palm trees and a dome roof and guarded by armed men.
As we wondered at what was actually beyond it one of the men shot and killed a guy hiding in a tree. Worried we would be killed we made our escape back to the hotel.

I was next woken up in my hotel by a woman event organiser. She abruptly woke myself and my wife and was being a complete bitch to everyone around.
Unhappy at this we along with several others present all turned into cartoon characters and began to sing, 'Spread your wings and fly away', to the theme tune from the muppets.
As the song came to a grand ending, a giant tin of rice pudding exploded with jam from its centre like an erupting volcano.

I finally enter a bone china shop where I see my wife, I point out to her a model working steam train on the shelf but upon closer inspection find it to be a steam powered kettle. Next to that is a steam powered china cup on wheels.

I walk out of the shop straight onto a beach and start fishing. I cast off and immediately have a bite. Reeling in I pull out a huge octopus. It was orange.



Wednesday, 12 September 2012

White water camping

Faced with a challenge last night, I was standing at the top of a huge mountain and beneath me was a fast flowing river of white water rapids.
There was a race to the bottom and I was up for it, only problem I didn't have a boat.

Undeterred by this major setback in my game plan I improvised by zipping myself up inside a small tent and threw my makeshift boat off the top into the rapids.
Spinning and falling I soon realised how extremely misguided I had been in my choice of vessel and flapped and futilely waved my arms around until eventually coming to a stop.

I lay motionless for an age, I may have just been sleeping without dreaming but after a while, the zip to my watery enclosure opened to reveal the welcome sight of my wife. She informed me that I hadn't won the race and had been missing for two weeks!

I lastly dreamt of being at my mums house as a child along with my older sister and departed dad. Dad was visiting my sister for her birthday and it was a happy scene.

It actually was my sisters birthday yesterday.



Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Urine, slags & bus stops

As on many other occasions I have dreamt that I was going to the toilet when I actually do need to relieve myself.
I was in my childhood bedroom and started to wee into the washing basket but it started to fill and overflow.
I went into the garden and continued to urinate up against the garden shed. This went on for ages and I couldn't stop, I stood on top of the shed and peed into next doors garden.

Eventually I woke up desperate for a wee, my brain winning the battle to bring to my attention my need to use the toilet.

Back to sleep and I was with Bimmo from work and we are getting into a caravan. The van is so small we are unable to stand up and I struggled to get into my sleeping bag. My wriggling causes the caravan to start moving, rolling down a slope and crash into parked cars in the street.

I get out and see my good friend Lee-Ann and her daughter. She shows me a video on her phone from an event she attended a few weeks ago. Watching it I see my mum in a crowd of people.
As I point this out to Lee-Ann, a woman with huge breasts passes us and Lee-Ann shouts, "Slag!" she then holds her head down, pretending it wasn't her.

Lastly I am standing at a bus stop. The road is a river and I watch as a large lorry with a crane attached, drops a massive man made crocodile the length of a bus into the water.
I turn to a woman next to me and ask, "Where am I?" She just smiles and says, "Everything has changed".



Monday, 10 September 2012

Rip Van Winkle

I was a child in the first section of my dream. Hiding behind a bush in the garden of a house watching the four occupants come and go.
I was a fairly clever child sleuth too, as I was able to recognise that they were all dealing drugs. From my hideout I called the police and watched smiling as they were all taken away.

In the next part I am an adult and again hiding but this time in a house. A boy and a man start to walk towards me having noticed my hideout. It's as if I am a camera and they are moving their faces ever closer to it.
Just as they are about to grab me, another boy smashes them about the head with a frying pan killing them both.

As a thank you to the boy I set about disposing of the bodies.
Laying them both out on a table and placing a photograph of Rip Van Winkle above their heads, I tell the boy that I will transform the corpses into the fictional character.

I wasn't aware that I knew what Rip Van Winkle looked like, in my dream he had a large moustache and small pointed beard with a big hat.


Sunday, 9 September 2012

Alien big brother

I was walking in a main road pretending to be a car. I stopped at a set of traffic lights and noticed some plastic sheeting in the junction.
Holding all the other cars up I remove it to prevent an accident.

When on green I continue my journey arriving at a hotel that is accessed via an underground car park. I notice that Jane McDonald is headlining at the hotel and upon reaching the bar I find that the owner has pure white untidy hair and very goofy front teeth. The beer is very flat too, all this in mind I decide to leave.

Next along with work colleagues Lorraine and Matt I am running at full pelt down a street. I am being told via the phone that someone is in trouble. I repeatedly ask Lorraine if she knows what's happening but she appears to be deaf and dumb just looking at me with a blank expression.

As we turn a corner two very old people teleport before our eyes just like being beamed down on the original Star Trek series.
The three of us are then sat at a table in a house eating dinner.
Lorraine suddenly breaks her silence and tells us that we are all on a reality TV show being watched by aliens and that she pretended to be deaf & dumb so she didn't give the secret away.

Jane McDonald a British singer, actress and media personality and broadcaster, who first became (famous) following her appearance on the BBC docusoap The Cruise.


Saturday, 8 September 2012

It's the bells that made me fat!

Sometimes when you are sleeping, especially during the day as I am this weekend, sounds drift into your dream and influence it.

I was searching around darkened streets, in and out of alleys and shop doorways. This was made all the more difficult by the deafening sound of church bells.
Holding my hands over my ears as they became increasingly louder I noticed that I was getting slower at walking.

I looked down and saw that I was growing fatter as I strolled. A pain in my stomach and the bells ringing in my ears, slowed me to a stop.
I was huge and the discomfort in my stomach was growing too.

It's at this point I woke to the sound of my village church ringing out the bells for a wedding and I do have a stomach ache.

Bad times.


Friday, 7 September 2012

Slow motion getaway

Parked outside a bank is a top of the range Mercedes sports car. I walk over to have a look at it and a black man gets out of it. I recognise him and he tells me he is working for a business man as his personal driver.

A PCSO named Phil that I know arrives and upon seeing a black man in a sports car immediately thinks the worse.
Phil tells him that he is going to check him out as he thinks he's suspicious.
I take Phil to one side and assure him he is ok and that I know him and he can be trusted.

As phil leaves everything slows down and events happen in slow motion.
Two other black men get out of the car with machine guns and start to rob the bank with the guy I know as the getaway driver!
I stand there open mouthed as they speed off with bags full of cash.
Great, he made me look a right mug!

Lastly I'm in a van along with a supervisor named Sharon and a colleague affectionally known as the Viking.
The Viking is dressed all in black but has brown tyre marks the length of his body.
I say to him,"Have you been run over?" the Viking looks down at his body and says, "Oh yeah".

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Festive oddness

A few months early but I was cooking Christmas dinner for my mum at her house and my Aunt Joan was also there.
As I served up the meal, oddly in the hallway, Stu & Lisa from work arrived at the open front door saying they were looking for someone next door but clearly hoping to get included in the meal. My mum abruptly sends them next door.

The next arrival at the door is an extremely welcome visit from my dear departed dad. He has a great idea for a Xmas gift for his friend, a tape cassette storage box.
I try to explain that that may be a little outdated but he doesn't understand.

I'm next at an office building looking for a Polish man. I meet three work colleagues outside, Garath, Liam and Sam. Liam has no shirt on and has thick black long hair covering his body like a wolf man. Sam gives me the wrong code to enter the building but Garath gives me the correct one.

Lastly running around the garden with my dog, I meet a man with a Golden Retriever and I suddenly have one too and all three dogs play together.
Walking back towards the house I am on a path that has been roped off, my wife is by my side.
We dump into Caroline from work and wish her a merry Christmas.

Caroline stops and waves franticly shouting, 'Merry Christmas to you'.
A large man approaches me and I go to shake his hand but he has a felt marker pen glued to the palm of his hand.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Raccoon!

My wife woke me and asked why I was shouting Raccoon at her? There was one running at me in my sleep of course!? I think this was as I initially fell to sleep and I'm unsure what happened to the animal.

The rest of the night was a little jumbled, starting off with myself and the rest of my family staying at a B&B somewhere. It was time to check out and along with my mother in law we lowered the suitcases on a rope to the car park below.

I then walked down the stairs and met my good friend and work colleague Martin. I told him I was working the same shift as him tomorrow and he excitedly punched knuckles with me and shouted, "Yeah, don't fuck with the baldies". Neither of us are bald.

Going back home I am cleaning a hideous looking table lamp in the shape of a person holding candles. I ask my wife why we keep the lamp as we both hate it. She explains that it was given to us by my nan.
Then my work colleague Peter enters the room and explains that the lamp is actually his and he won it at the battle of Trafalgar.
We both look at him knowing he is lying but decide its a good excuse to get rid of it and give the thing to him.

The baldies reference is from the 1979 movie The Wanderers, it tells the story of several Italian-American youths growing up together amid the various gangs of 1963 New York City.


Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Daylight robbery

What is it with my brain and supermarkets?!
For the second night this week I was in one and this time a specific one. Waitrose, shopping for the wealthy who like to pay twice as much for average food.

I had taken a trolley and approached the entrance only to discover that above the door water was pouring down. I thought that a quick dash through would minimise me getting wet but the further I walked into the store, the wetter I got and by the time I was in the store I was totally soaked!

I'm next in our local village pub for a charity horse race. There are stalls with food and drink but everything is twice the normal price, not unlike Waitrose.
The landlady Sally is chatting to my wife who asks Sally to attend another charity event later in the week.
Sally explains that she is an on call doctor during the day and a dentist at night. As far as I'm aware she isn't.

A man enters the pub and complains that everything is overpriced, he picks up the till and walks out with us all just watching him.


Monday, 3 September 2012

Float your boat

Another one of those dreams where I'm watching something but it's playing out like a TV show, with voice over man too.

This was set in the 1960's in the theme of an information film and therefore my brain decided to make it black and white.
It was about living in the East end of London and showed how the good old London folk made do in their council houses.
There was a really unhappy child sitting in the kitchen sink having a bath and the jolly voice over man saying, 'Here's little Johnny at bath time, don't forget to wash behind your ears'.

The next part of my dream involved Garath from work, he had entered a competition with another man.
The task was to float a small plastic boat in a water butt, close the lid and upon opening it, the winner was the one who's vessel was still afloat.

Garath acting supremely confident opened the lid to reveal his opponents boat had sunk.
In celebration of his victory Garath stacked dinner plates as tall as himself.


Sunday, 2 September 2012

Holy wrongness

Very disturbing last night in that I was in an old people's home. A vicar was visiting with his choirboys in what appeared to be an innocent event at first.
Imagine my total horror when the man of the cloth became his holy badness by offering the boys to the old ladies for sex!
A row of decrepit grannies rubbed their hands expectantly as the horrified boys were led in to service the old aged pensioners.

Thankfully the dream moved on before my mind was scarred for life.
Moved to a scene of a street where I had to climb a ladder into my apartment, saying that I wanted to visit the library, I opened a fridge to look for books to return only to find a white pair of ladies trainers, new size 6.

I was then chatting to my landlord who was wearing brown Hush Puppies that he had got dirty.
As we talked a knocking sound drifted into the dream and we both looked around puzzled as to it's location.
I was awoken by my two cats rattling the door to inform me it was breakfast time!




Saturday, 1 September 2012

Supermarket rage

I start by driving at night with my wife along country lanes.
Visibility is poor and I don't see the massive legs of a crane parked on the roadside until I'm on top of it.

I decide to park under one of the huge metal legs and regret this when the leg moves creaking my windscreen and trapping us in the car.

Walking along my mums street I start to throw tennis balls that hit a nearby car, a passing fat lady with two children hurries by me.
As I approach my mums house I look back to see the woman is hosing her children down in the middle of the road.

The front door to the house has newspapers and letter piled up and I struggle to enter.
Upon entering, I am in a supermarket. I notice it's 5 minutes until opening time but hundreds of people have walked in behind me and are waiting to be served.

I grab the public address system and announce that the store is closed and ask everyone to leave.
The store erupts into chaos as unhappy shoppers trash the shop furious at this news.
Fights break out across the shop floor and the place is a war zone.

I leave.

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