Saturday, 31 March 2012

Not now Phil!

On night shifts again, so my sleeping during the day is intense and deep.

All I could hear whilst asleep was Phil Collins singing 'In the air tonight'.
The whole song appears to have been playing over constantly for hours.

Now I don't mind the tune but not overly fond at this precise moment.

I'll try for a cheeky late afternoon nap later.

HFHQE7E89GWH

Friday, 30 March 2012

I dont believe it, Gary Lineker is my wife!

I'm actually fairly tired today after an extremely eventful nights dreaming. And talking, according to my wife.

Firstly I notice Gary Lineker is unconscious in the street, instead of helping him I search his pockets, locate the keys to his Aston Martin and take it for a spin.
I return, wake him but as he wakes he transforms into my wife.
I inform her I'm going fishing and jump into a nearby river in full diving gear and start to shoot the fish with an electric stun gun.

Next I'm in a large flat that needs decorating. One of my old bosses, Chris is telling me the flat is mine if I want it. I walk into another room to find Chris is now my Father in law. I put some hand cream on from a tub that says, 'I don't believe it' on the label. It's a calming cream to relieve stress made by Victor Meldrew.

I get awoken by my mum, (still dreaming), she tells me it's time for work and then goes and wakes my younger sister.
When my sister is in the bathroom my mum finds a half eaten Cadburys Flake in her bed. She winks at me and starts to eat it just as my sister returns and gives her a disapproving look.

Finally I am walking through an unknown picturesque little village in search of a road sign to point me in the direction of a village called Stoke Doyle in Northamptonshire.

I am carrying a bird seed dispenser and it is leaking as I walk but there are cat treats dropping out leaving a trail as I go.
I turn a corner to find a full blown riot happening before my eyes. Cars are over turned and buildings are ablaze.
Suddenly a policeman on a horse is totally engulfed in flames as a petrol bomb hits them.

I awoke at this point, (for real), with the song "Don't Stop Believin'"a popular tune by the American rock band Journey from 1981

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Stilton & Banana cake anyone?

I am watching last nights dream from the outside rather than being in it.
Like a TV programme but without adverts.

Firstly I am watching a wire duck, the kind that are egg holders but normally chicken shaped.
The duck is wandering around a field just as a normal duck would, only I can see through it's wire frame.

Next I watch as a married couple are in the process of ending their relationship. The husband is upstairs packing his clothes into an old style suitcase that has lots of travel stickers covering it.

The wife is in the kitchen making a last meal for them. She is making a Stilton and banana cake, which is not a combination I'd have thought of but if I was the husband in question, I'd not be eating a 'final' meal. In case it became just that. Final.

As I woke from this dream I had 'Hi Ho silver lining' playing in my head.
Although widely thought to have been originally recorded by Jeff Beck in March 1967, it was released just a few days earlier by a band called The Attack. Jeff's version charted first, bad times for The Attack, although I have heard their version and it's pants.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

McFlurry grope

I spent the first part of last night steam cleaning a boat. It was a long laborious task getting into every crack and crevice to remove every speck of dirt, but relaxing and rewarding.

After my maritime activity, I find myself in my old childhood bedroom with a really fat black man with a great big bushy beard.
Unconcerned at his presence I watch him perform a rendition of 'Fergus sings the blues' which was a hit for Deacon Blue in 1989.

The final phase of my slumber has me getting out of my car to go to work and I meet Kyle in the car park.
As I get out I find a metal bar in the footwell with the number 6157 on it.

Myself and Kyle enter our place of employment to find there is nothing to do so we sit eating a McFlurry.
There are two new employees, a male and a female that we have never seen before. We watch the male press up to the female from behind and reach round and grope both her breasts.

The female looks rather uneasy at this attention and looks over at us with a frightened look that says, 'help me'.
We both continue to slurp at our ice cream and I turn to Kyle and casually say, 'There's nothing much happening today'

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Prancing traffic warden & obese cartoon cattle

One of my In between moments as I fell asleep. I thought I had a stomach ache but I was dreaming I did.

Anyway. I'm at school but everyone there are adults. One of my work colleagues, Donna is sitting at her desk and is having a complete temper tantrum because she has been asked to do some work.
Both myself and my wife are reading the local newspaper.

There is a photograph of a crashed car and a traffic warden standing next to it.
Suddenly the photo comes to life and the traffic warden is my wife's mother.
She is wearing her hat tipped right back and is dancing and skipping around the crashed car.

Next we are no longer at school but out walking in the countryside with a golden retriever dog and ahead of us are several obese cartoon cows.

We reach home and I squeeze past the fat cows to get in my front door.
I find a glass of water sitting on the floor in front of me as I enter.
I take off my shoe and place my toe into the water leaving me with a soggy sock.


Monday, 26 March 2012

Stately home cheesy nibbles

My entire dream takes place in a very grand stately home.
I am in a huge dining hall that has wood panels around the walls.
I seem to be at a works meeting with a female boss and her deputy, also female.
On the table is an array of cheesy nibbles, crisps and dips.

The door opens and the 3rd in the chain of command enters and to my delight it's my colleague, Huggy. As he enters, he gives me a cheeky wink.

The big boss starts to read from a scroll of paper, outlining all the rules for for my job.
I become bored and climb up through a small round hole in the ceiling and find myself in a bell tower but there is no bell.

I return to the dinning hall to find my dear departed nan talking to the boss.
She is telling her about when I was assaulted a few years ago and told the boss she remembers it well because it was 10pm.

I did get assaulted a couple of years ago, just after 10pm. My nan had departed 17 years before that.
I love Cheesy nibbles. Nom.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

E type family & Volvo shower

My favourite car of all time is the E type Jaguar.
I was sitting on a grassy bank playing with coloured letter blocks that were floating in a tiny stream.
I was arranging them in an attempt to spell the names of famous people.

As I amuse myself with the letters, my younger sister Sue peeps the horn as she drives down the hillside in a white convertible E type.
Below the hill on the road, my older sister Karen peeps at me as she passes by in a red convertible E type. She has my mum and my departed nan with her. Everyone is smiling.
Happy I wander into a kitchen and put some chicken into the oven to cook.

Still content, I'm slightly dismayed by the power cut that causes the electric oven to stop and plunges me into darkness.

I wander outside with a torch, find a Volvo estate car, climb into the rear seat and emerge inside a shower cubicle.
Thinking it slightly odd I decide not to waste the opportunity and have a shower.


Saturday, 24 March 2012

American pie lift & underground orange

Lots of chattering in my sleep, so I have been informed and no wonder.

Firstly I am talking to a man who is recalling his exploits in World War II. He isn't a day over 50 and I'm dubious that he is for real but all very interesting anyway.

Next I'm at work, I am watching TV but I'm getting annoyed as Derek and Richy are smoking in the supervisors office, smoke is drifting out and they are just laughing.
On the TV are two men in an elevator, they are smoking pot and every time the doors open on a different floor, they are more and more stoned, giggling uncontrollably.
All this to the sound piped in the elevator of American Pie, the Don McLean classic from 1971 and again in 1991.

Finally I am on the London underground and a fruit seller is walking through the train. Fortunately I needed some oranges but I'm disappointed as they have sold out.

I get off the train, head to surface and bump into my friend Siobhan. I explain my orange requirement and we both go to the front door of a nearby house.

Just as we arrive Siobhan suddenly starts to expand and turns morbidly obese.
Ignoring this we enter the house and a man shows us to his piano that he is selling.
The piano, is a red leather chair with a guitar on it.
Very confused we leave. I only wanted some oranges, how hard can it be!?

Friday, 23 March 2012

Highland cross dresser & road rage

This starts with myself and my wife going into our local sweet shop only to find it completely devoid of any sugary delights.
We go to my mums house to find her crawling out from beneath her dishwasher.

Entering into the garden and discover a Scottish man dressed in knee high ladies leather boots and a dress.
He is hiding shopping bags under the rockery.
We confront the highland cross dresser and politely ask for an explanation to his presence in my mums garden.
He starts to get aggressively defensive and so we have no choice other than to bend him up into an arm lock until he screams submissively.

I next enter my old flat from many years ago but am now aware it's the home of my friend Lorney.
I enter and a man is getting out of the shower, I don't know him.
He informs me that Lorney isn't home but when she returns he intends to sleep with her. I leave.

The final part of my dream involves me walking along the street being followed by an old style blue Ford Fiesta driven by Roger from work.

Roger keeps driving at me so I pick up a wooden pallet and throw it at the car. Roger continues to drive at me so I repeat my actions this time smashing the windscreen.
I make good my escape.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Brucey, naked man & sad Dwarf

I begin by wandering a street until I notice a very old hotel which has trees growing out of the walls of the building.
I enter the lobby and the whole scene turns to black and white in reflection of an earlier age.

I pass a group of people and see one of them is all round entertainer, Bruce Forsyth.
Thinking that no one would have ever said, 'good game, good game' at him, I give it my best Brucey impression.
If looks could kill.

I'm next on the top floor if a skyscraper and looking out at the amazing view I decide to take a photo and pick up my camera.
My camera is in bits and I look around to see my Dad and my supervisor from work, Matt, both watching me and shaking their heads.

I manage to fit the camera together but when I look out of the window all I see is a skinny naked old man sitting in a kitchen sink taking a bath.

I leave the building and walking out into the street below I notice a sad looking female Dwarf kicking her heals on a street corner.
I walk away deciding not to engage with her.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Julius Hitler sings Adele

I was sitting behind a lectern unable to be seen by the large audience in front.
Standing behind it, addressing the crowd was a morphed into one, Julius Caesar and Adolf Hitler.

With his trademark salute side fringe and moustache but wearing a laurel wreath and robe, the mixed dictators play to the masses.

If you are wondering what language the mixed man was speaking. Well it was English and he was singing 'Rolling in the deep' by Adele, as I hung into his ankles.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Crisp head & pointed feet

I was arguing with an old ugly man with a beard. I appeared to rent a room in his extremely untidy house and I'm unhappy at living in such squalor.
I get so angry with him that I punch him in the face.
As I do this the old man makes a popping sound and turns into a 6 pack of cheese and onion flavoured crisps.

I notice the mans daughter is also there, she is drunk and not the best looking woman I've ever seen.
I go to my room and pack all my belongings into an enormous holdall.
I return to the room where the old man was and he has returned back to normal. His daughter is crying.

I leave the house with the holdall over my shoulder but it's so heavy I can't walk. I look down at my feet to see that I am wearing black leather pointed shoes. I wiggle my toes and realise that they reach the end of the shoes.

Finally I'm in my mums house watching TV. There is one of those reality house buying programmes on, A house in the attic, should I rent or live abroad, relocate or makeover, or similar.
A guy has bought a house but cleverly had the scrap metal yard removed before purchasing it. He owns a white coach.
I look up into the street just as a large white coach blocks the road outside.


Monday, 19 March 2012

Piercings & BMX stunt wife

Initially I'm on a plane, Timmy is with me and we stand either side of the entrance as the England football team board the flight.
I don't recognise any of them but have the overwhelming urge to urinate.
I then get knocked over by an Asian man carrying a mattress.

I awake at this point and go to the toilet.
Returning to slumber I dream that my upper body is naked and I can hear a man singing.
He is then in front of me singing a song about parting from a loved one.
He starts to insert small metal studs into my body, carefully finding cuts in my body that match the size of the studs.
One goes into my left ear, my right armpit and another in the side of my neck.

Lastly my wife and I are checking out a wooden bridge that spans across a river. A boat on wheels drives across it and as it does the slats on the bridge start to move, following the boat.

Suddenly my wife springs into action and jumps on a BMX bike, pops a wheelie and heads off in pursuit of the boat. As she takes off on the ramp to the bridge she spins the bike sideways and lands forwards pulling off another wheelie.

The bridge slats rapidly disappear and I watch the boat in the river below pulling the bridge behind it with my wife riding the bike on it.

Have to say that I'm really impressed with her stunt riding. Good skills.


Sunday, 18 March 2012

Ted Dansons chocolate balls

Just as I drifted off last night I saw a woman trying to barge her way past me through my front door. I shoved her hard in the stomach causing her to fall over and also causing alarm to my wife who I was cuddled up to at the time.

The first part of my dream involves me being back at school but as an adult. The heating is on and everyone is uncomfortably hot.
The headmaster enters and it's Rob a supervisor from upstairs at work. Rob is wearing a top hat. He says as its too hot we can all go swimming.

Entering the pool area we find it cordoned off and a small plastic box is floating on the water. Apparently someone farted in the pool and the fart is contained in the plastic box.

Next I am Ted Danson, the actor and I'm a private investigator.
I'm looking into a theft of chocolate balls from a Chinese supermarket. The owner is in tears about it but he is a six foot Asian man.

I meet a woman that knows me, she has a small baby and I tell her all about my current case as she sits at the head of a very long table with around twenty others around it.
The table is enclosed in heavy curtains and I go to leave reaching the other end of the table to the woman.

I look round as the baby starts to pee straight up into the air. The woman who has now transformed into Ted Danson shouts for help. I look and everyone around the table is now Ted Danson.
I get caught up in the curtains causing them to fall, in the panic I get squashed against all the other Ted Dansons.
I try to scream but hundreds of chocolate balls start to pour from my mouth.

A collection of actors used to be referred to as a Troupe.
But a collection of Ted Dansons?
A Groupe? Make up your own.


Saturday, 17 March 2012

A collection of random stuff

For my more regular readers amongst you, no dream yesterday as I stayed up from a night shift. Hard to dream whilst wake. But normal service has been resumed.

The title says it all, no real structure to my nocturnal activity, more of a collection of short scenes.

Starting off my wife and I are in bed and being visited by a female doctor for a check up. All very normal except she wants to see how we 'perform' in bed!
I get up and walk over to the window, looking out the sky is resemblant of World War II. There are search lights scanning the dark night, planes dropping bombs and buildings ablaze.

Next I am driving a boat on the road transporting a man with a broken arm, I'm trying to get him to safety.
I crash through a wall into a complex system of tunnels and end up getting out as the boat becomes wedged.

I see that we are surrounding by Aliens, they are all different and can transform into different shapes and sizes, all hideous unworldly looking beasts.
They are trying to capture the injured man but he starts to jump like a grasshopper and lands on the tunnel roof.

Finally I am in my mums back garden and one of the flower beds has been transformed into a modern kitchen with tiled floor and unit under lighting.
Sitting at the breakfast bar is my ex wife's sister and her Son. They are demanding that I go buy them cigarettes.

I leave through the door into what should be my mums actual kitchen but find myself in a building sites toilets.
Needing the toilet I search for one only to find a hole in the floor where they should be. Desperate I pee down a hole.

As on many occasions I wake needing the toilet thankful for a dry bed.


Thursday, 15 March 2012

Lottery funded violence

I'm standing across the road from row of terraced houses when a woman exits the front door of one house.
She asks if I know the lottery results and I check them on my phone for her.
Much to her delight she has won the jackpot and shouts to her husband.

Her husband comes into the street incredibly drunk in celebration. He is a huge meat head with tattoos and tacky gold chains.
I watch as he staggers over to his car which is a white Reliant Robin, not the car I would have matched him too.
He attempts to get into the drivers seat and I mention to him that maybe he shouldn't drive given his inebriated state.

This sends the male into a violent rage casting himself into the stereotypical drunken aggressive working class man.
Suddenly my friends Siobhan and Ghost turn up and attempt to restrain the man.
This goes very wrong because Siobhan just films the male on her mobile phone whilst Ghost gets a beating.

Beaten and with blood pouring from his head Ghost is still smiling and asks if i can bandage his blooded head.
I start to cut up bandages with the blade from within a carpet knife, expertly and neatly making precise squares and applying them.

Not sure where the violent meat head went but at least Siobhan should have some decent footage of him.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

I am an innocent man

There is a marked difference to my dreaming pattern when I am sleeping during the day as I currently am.
Certainly less happening in my head and mostly always a song playing when I awake.

Cher is still echoing over as I write now. I believe in life after love, I believe is the title of the song but I shall confirm that shortly.

I was in someone's house, I didn't recognise it but I knew I shouldn't be there. The rear door to the house is smashed in and I'm trying to recall how I got there.
There is a knock at the front door and the owner of the property has returned.
He is shouting to be let in and I delay him as I franticly tidy the house to cover my tracks of entering his home.

I eventually open the front door and a very irate home owner is demanding an explanation as to my presence there.
I just say to him I mistakenly wandered into the open back door and walk past him to get away.
As I look down at myself I notice I am wearing a striped black and white shirt, I have a mask over my eyes and I'm carrying a large bag with 'Swag' written on it.
The home owner gives me a knowing disapproving glare and I just say, 'What?'

The Cher song by the way was just called 'Believe', a hit for her in 1998

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Drunken CSI Maximus

I wake with Adele singing, 'Turning tables', from her excellent 21 album.
The theme being sleeping, as I find myself making my bed on the pavement along with my Dads long departed best friend, Doyle.

We have been drinking all night, I knew I shouldn't have had that wine in last nights dream, sleeping where we fall I make myself as comfortable as you can laying on the cold hard paving slabs.

I toss and turn for ages not really sleeping until I see a milkman across the street delivering milk the old fashioned way in glass bottles.
He knocks on a house, peers into the window and immediately looks concerned at what he sees.

I spring into action, run across the road, boot the front door in and enter the house closely followed by my dog who has appeared from nowhere.
Unfortunately I find a dead old lady with a trail of blood from her body to the rear door.
Quickly thinking forensically, I avoid the blood to keep the potential crime scene free of contamination. CSI Maximus.

Excited Jack Russell puppies tend to be slightly less crime investigation minded and he skips and jumps and rolls in the blood. Doh!



Monday, 12 March 2012

Alan Carr hatred & dine with me weirdo

Walking through a hotel complex attempting to get to the top floor for a medical examination, I am hampered by the 20 foot pole I am holding.
I struggle with it in the lift, along corridors and eventually reach the room I need, leaving the pole outside, I don't question why I was carrying it.

I enter to find the doctor is Chinese and about 8 years old.
In my mind I am aware that the doctor has an intense dislike towards comedian, Alan Carr. As he starts the examination, I casually mention Alan's name.
This sends the mini doctor into a rage and he shouts and kicks his desk telling me to get out.

I'm next in my mums house upstairs watching non league football on TV with my older sister. Both of these things would never happen for real.
We are eating soup in square bowls and as I reach the bottom of mine I notice a ceramic square see saw that fits neatly inside. I then spend an age trying to get the soup that has fallen beneath the see saw to no avail.

Finally my wife and myself are the hosts to the TV show, 'Come dine with me'. We seem to be hosting it in our garden under a marquee and the first guest is a woman in a total trance who promptly wanders off.
The other three quests are two fat vulgar women who arrive drunk and the token gay contestant is an Asian man.

I am cooking a curry but notice a child has eaten my starter, in despair I take a sip of wine and promptly become drunk.
The two fat women are laughing and falling over the table, the gay guy is crying and the woman in a trance has fallen into the fish pond!
To top it all the voice over man says, 'Oh look they live in affordable housing'!

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Basketball ambush & mini mints

I blame last nights violence solely on TV. Namely an episode of 'Caught on Camera', an American show which kind of explains itself in the title, where some teenage kids had ambushed a girl and beat her up and filmed it.

In my dream a group of lads are waiting for me with guns, supposedly to do more than just beat me.
Their plan back fires as they come under attack by me shooting at them causing them to flee.

As the ring leader of the group gets into his car and drives away, I am hiding on the back seat holding a basketball.
Imagine his surprise when I lean over and smash the basketball into his face.
Then imagine my surprise when his head and said ball merge as one, his face but on the ball attached to his body.

I then find myself entering the small sweet shop by my childhood home. I pick up a mint, open it up to see that it contains lots of very tiny mini mints. Mints within a mint. And even better my mum serves me, brilliant, free sweets!

Finally I am preparing a makeshift operating table in readiness to chop up a body. The table has been made out of a wood panel and has a small trap door for draining the blood away.

I am talking to someone, but can't see their face. I go into such depth about how to dismember a body and explain how to dispose of it without ever getting brought to justice.
Quite worrying really.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Drunken loser & party time

I have noticed that a few of my dreams have involved me being on a bus.
Last night I'm sitting happily on one heading towards my Nan's house for a party.
As the bus stops at a junction I come under a barrage of traffic cones that are being hurled by a very drunken aggressive man in the street.

He is shouting and swearing and cones are bouncing off the windscreen.
I calmly exit the bus, approach the man and firmly knock him out cold with one well placed punch to the head.

I then receive a phone call from work colleague James who asks if I want anything to eat, I tell him I'm off to my Nan's for a party but don't extend the invite to him.

Arriving at my Nan's house the party is in full swing with loud music and dancing.
Unfortunately no one has informed me that the dress code was black tie with false glasses and fake noses.
I feel such a fool!

Friday, 9 March 2012

Dead night out

I am on my way for an evening out with my wife and we have arranged to meet our friends Chris and Siobhan.
We notice a work colleague called Groover on his moped and I try to get his attention for a lift by rolling up my trouser leg and writing on my leg in felt pen. It doesn't work surprisingly.

We start walking and bump into another work colleague, Chris, who informs us his wife has a cocaine habit.
Alarmed by this news we continue to go and meet our friends.

We pass an old people's home and the staff have all the residence lined up in a row on the lawn outside, they tell us they all died over night. Not thinking this in the slightest bit suspicious, we continue walking.

When we finally arrive at a restaurant, Chris and Siobhan are at a table with one of our work supervisors, Alf.
We join them and Alf makes a homophobic comment, appalled at this we all get up and go to another table leaving Alf eating alone.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Murderers & Victorian toilets

Firstly I witness my work colleague Claire being charged with murder and remanded in prison until her trial. No indication to who she has killed but throughout her being charged, she laughs the laugh of an insane person.

I next find myself in an old style Victorian lavatory. It's in the basement of an old hotel and is very ornate and grand looking.
I'm watching as a man and woman walk around looking for something. I later hear the news and it tells me that the same man is on the run after killing a woman and her body was discovered in a Victorian toilet! Oops.

I am finally in the house of a very old man, he is just wearing shorts and is very wrinkly and 90 if he's a day.
He is up the top of a set of wooden steps that are not vey safe looking and wobble as he stands on them.

The old man is pruning his large fruit tree which grows in the centre if his living room. I inquire as to why he is doing this and get informed that he can't see the tv due to over hanging branches. Makes Sense.

I take pity and help him by taking over, I spend the remainder of my dream happily pruning, content in the knowledge I've done a good deed and some relaxed gardening.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Drag queen & dancing rice pudding

This starts with me sitting watching a football game. One team are ready on the halfway line and the other team are missing.
I just stare at this for ages before deciding to leave as the game is very dull due to it being very one sided.

I'm next at an airport with a woman called Nicola I used to work with and haven't seen her for over 12 years.
We are walking towards our old place of work when Nicola asks me to tell the boss she is sick and promptly enters a nightclub and starts drinking.

I enter my current place of work just as some RAF fighter jets fly over head.
Inside a party is going on, I see Andy dancing on a table. Andy is dressed as a woman with huge over inflated balloons for breasts. Whilst dancing on the table top he is also holding a large jug of milk in each hand.

Suddenly from across the room I hear heavy rock music, I look over to see a tin of rice pudding on another table. The music is emitting from it and the tin has tiny arms and legs and is dancing.

I love rice pudding cold with strawberry jam. Yum.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

GI Jo & 1970s texting

As I initially drifted off to sleep I was shouting Lilo, this information supplied from my wife, I have no knowledge of this.

My dream starts by me gazing up into the sky, I can see my friend Jo parachuting, heading towards me. I know it's Jo as she wearing a white fur trimmed hooded coat. I have no idea if she actually owns one, I will inquire.

As she gets closer I can see she is holding a gun, I watch as she takes aim and fires one precision shot that hits me in the left shoulder.

Jo lands right next to me, expertly planting both feet on the floor and removing her parachute in one smooth manoeuvre.
As I lay on the floor, in pain but more in shock that my friend has just shot me, I watched as Jo starts to run a bath.
We are outside, had I not been such aghast at my current predicament, I may have questioned where the bath came from and how it was plumbed in?
Anyway, Jo gets into the bath fully clothed and starts to relax, my world starts to turn dark and I pass out.

My next recognition is being in my mums living room but back in the 1970s. I know this due to the hideous floral wallpaper that hangs around the room like a multi coloured kaleidoscope.
An odd looking girl is there, she is informing my mum that she is my girlfriend, which isn't going down too well. The girl is rather bossy and my mum takes a dislike to her.
Mums phone receives a text message which is from my dad. Not only is he no longer with us, there weren't mobile phones in the 70s.

I leave the house and walk around the corner into the banjo, (cul de sac).
It's dark but early morning. My wife is also there and I'm trying to ring my mum. Finally she answers and tells me she is home alone and was asleep.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Lost boy & exercise fire

Along with a few work colleagues I was part of a huge organised search for a missing boy.
It's very cold and there is snow on the ground. I can't remember who was with me but there were about six of us and we decided due to the adverse weather conditions we would all hide in a small room until someone else found the boy, thus remaining warm and negating the need to work.

This plan backfires somewhat when the door opened and our supervisor Andy entered. Andy was less than impressed at our plan but being a slightly timid man he doesn't chastise us.

Everyone leaves and I am alone and starting to feel the cold. I search the room for something to burn to warm me.
The only thing in the room is an exercise bike. I start to turn one of the pedals by hand, as it gathers speed, underneath the bike starts to spark blue flames resemblant of a gas cooker.

Finally the bike ignites into flames and I sit around it rubbing my hands and singing camp songs. Dib dob.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Earning a crust

As with many of my dreams I'm searching for something. Endlessly looking through rooms, houses or in empty dark streets.
Last night it was a college and I spent ages opening every draw and cupboard which were all bare.
Eventually I gave up my fruitless search and walked out into the street and was able to watch myself vanish into the distance.

I arrive at a large supermarket which seems to be my place of work and I take a large trolley filled with stock and push it onto the shop floor. It's piled so high that I can't see where I'm going and crash into people, one of which was in a wheelchair.

After apologising to everyone that I've hit I arrive in the bread isle to find my friend Timmy looking unhappy.
Timmy is gazing at the empty shelves and tells me there is no bread left. I look to find some on my trolley and proceed to replenish the stock.

Both myself and Timmy have a discussion about how unhappy we are in our jobs, I tell him that I'm considering leaving to go to Lincoln to become a Special Constable and Timmy says he is going to grab his guitar and hit the streets busking to earn a living.

I think Timmy's plan is the better of the two as the Special constabulary work for free, a concept I have trouble grasping.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Inner body experience

I'm sure you have heard of outer body experiences, I've possibly had a few myself.
Last night I had a reverse of that by going into my body. I had been shrunk to a tiny Maximus and dressed in my climbing boots and waterproof jacket I abseiled within the depths of myself.

Dropping down a vast tunnel which was in fact my oesophagus, I landed inside the immense network of my inner workings.
I then proceeded to walk for miles taking in the views of my alimentary canal until I reached my stomach.

There was nothing more to my dream than this, I did seem to spend the entire night walking around in my own body. Not surprising really when human intestines are on average 23 feet, (7 meters), long and I was about the size of a mouse.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Something for the weekend?

My entire dream was spent on board a bus that was travelling around a seaside town.
Blasting out over the vehicles radio was the 1982 hit, 'Jack & Diane' by John Mellencamp who later changed his name to John Cougar.
The lyrics are 'two American kids doing the best they can'. Although the only two occupants of the bus were a Polish couple.
I wasn't driving the bus but appeared to be controlling it by the power of thought, a neat trick that would be very useful in real life.
As I directed the bus along the seafront the couple shout out that they desperately need a chemist.
I pull up outside a pharmacy impressed with myself that I've located one for them, look around the bus and discover they have gone! Great.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Rolf Harris roller coaster riot

Initially I am working for a man that owns a factory. I am planting peanuts in the ground inside the factory when my boss tells me he is bankrupt.
Little wonder really, I'm no peanut expert but I'm sure they grow outside.

We both leave the factory, board a
train and exit it at Dagenham East underground station on the district line.
Neither of us have purchased tickets and as we walk past the ticket collector I produce a fake police ID and tell him that my boss is a wanted man I have arrested.
He let us through. Fool.

Next I find myself at a table sitting drinking the finest Port that money can buy, my host is HRH Prince Phillip.
He is aware that I don't drink alcohol but insists I try it, I take a tentative sip and it's amazing, the best thing I've ever tasted.

Next I'm with my friend Timmy, we are in my car and happily driving along the road.
I hasten to add that I am not drink driving given my previous visit to HRH.
Suddenly I am aware that another car is chasing us, I accelerate in an attempt to lose my pursuer but he matches my speed.

I reach the top of a hill only to find I'm on a roller coaster, no ordinary one, it's a themed Rolf Harris thrill ride.
We plummet down an almost vertical drop past paintings, (can you tell what it is yet)? kangaroos and koala bears all to the sound of Rolf singing 'Tie me kangaroo down sport'.

As we reach the bottom of the ride Timmy leans out of the car and stabs a really fat woman standing watching us. Instead of her bleeding, she just punctures and deflates shooting into the air like a balloon.
We continue to drive and reach an abandoned building.

What ensued was a large scale riot as hundreds of people started throwing bricks and jugs of water at us. On the plus side any petrol bombs were quickly put out by the jugs of water. Not the brightest rioters to be fair.

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