Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Drug addicts, ghettos and Butlins

This begins with me walking through a deprived Yorkshire town. The street is run down, there is rubbish all around, boarded up windows on the disheveled houses and it's dark, grey and depressing.
I on the other hand have a very large bundle of cash in a plastic bag, I'm dressed in a smart suit and seem very well off.
I enter one of the houses. Inside there are two very large guard dogs that both ignore me as I walk further into the cluttered mess. There is an overwhelming odour of urine.
A man clearly addicted to drugs, enters the room amazed that his dogs let me in.
He shows signs of years of abuse and there is evidence of drug use all around the slum of a house.
I hand him the cash and leave! Glad this was a dream.
I enter another room, which is not in the same house and see a naked female laying on a bed. She is sleeping and I decide to wake her by gently licking and sucking at her nipples which become erect. This section of the dream is over far to quickly for my liking as next I'm entering Butlins holiday village in Skegness!
There is an Easter baby competition which I enter two babies into dressed in pink bunny suits that I have kept in a suitcase. My younger sister is there and is annoyed that I kept the infants in a suitcase, but they seemed happy enough.
I go for a walk around the holiday village and see Mohammed Ali laying on the floor and he is shouting "I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee". It is apparent to me that to get over his debilitating brain disease he lays on the floor and this allows him to be able to function normally.


Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Nothing compares to clothes

Another morning that I have awoken with a song in my head.
Today it is 'nothing compares to you' by Sinead O'Connor. Haven't heard that song in ages but it must be lodged deep in my brains music files under the slightly haunting with a weird singer section.
Last night I was at my mums house and we were preparing to go to a function or wedding of some kind and were getting our clothing ready. When I say we, this was myself and two females that were masquerading as my sisters. I have no idea who they were but they said they were my sisters and I seemed to accept this.
I loaded up one of my imposter siblings arms full of clothes and I was just left carrying a toothbrush. We wandered off down the street like this, not once contemplating using a suitcase or any kind of carrying devise.
We arrive at my place of work and whilst sitting at our desks we are being observed by our supervisor called Matt.
Everyone is whispering to each other saying that Matt is not to be trusted and he will stab you in the back given the chance. Matt sits in his office looking through the glass window and scowls at everyone.
Incidentally Sinead O'Connor is still singing and is campaigning against abuse of children in the Catholic church. She has four children each by a different father. But please don't judge her.


Monday, 28 November 2011

Nakedness, talking lobsters and exploding trolleys

Hold tight this jumps all over the place. Even I had trouble getting to grips with this one.
Initially I'm with a female in my old flat that I lived in when I first left home. I Know her but don't recognise her. My living room has been cleverly transformed into a swimming pool and I enjoy the heated water for a while and then leave.
I'm next on the platform of the underground station near to my mums house. Clearly I'd enjoyed the swimming pool so much that I have neglected to put my clothes on and I'm completely naked strolling down the platform.
At this point I start to develop a condition sometimes referred to as morning glory.
Slightly embarrassed by this I decide my best course of action is to cover up the issue by laying on my front. This seems to work as no one finds it in the slightest bit odd that a naked man is conducting himself in this manner. I get on the train once my problem has subsided and journey to a house where I can see a female inside.
I want to get inside but can't find the door. My mobile phone rings to the tune of 'the boys are back in town' by Thin Lizzy. Upon taking the call I am informed that I have defaulted on a loan and my ex wife is now liable for the payments. I ponder this for a while and laugh. Heartily.
Finally I arrive at a supermarket only to be blocked by an armoured tank. This doesn't cause me many problem as I have a rocket launcher with me and proceed to blow it up, but unfortunately miss and blow up the trolley collection point.
Making haste into the supermarket I start to wander around and find an aquarium of live food for sale.
Lobsters and fish and a duck swimming on top.
I decide to liberate the duck and set him free, saving him from being eaten. The rest of the inhabitants of the tank then want to be freed and jump out of the tank and start to chase me shouting, "save me, save me".
I look back to see a one armed lobster, a fish with legs and a huge mass of black fish eggs all running after me.
This is the point where I awoke somewhat concerned.
I still have that song in my head too.



Sunday, 27 November 2011

Shut that door Frenchy

Another dream in two parts.
Starting off in a cafe I enter and ask for a cup of tea. The lady taking the orders is very chatty and friendly and gets very distracted engaging in conversations with everyone.
Then enters popular light entertainer and one time host of the Generation game in the 1970s, Larry Grayson.
Dressed in a fine suit with waistcoat, hair all styled and looking like the trademark camp presenter he was famous for being. The only difference being it was my work colleague Timmy.
Larry/Timmy asks for a cup of tea and a sandwich and immediately gets his tea, to which I take exception as I still haven't received mine due to the woman's chattering.
She shouts through to the back for the chef to make the sandwich and another work colleague called Terry pops his head out, which has a traditional chefs hat sat upon it.
Terry moans about wasting his skills on making sandwiches and I decide to leave as I still haven't had my tea.
I start to walk down the street towards my mums house and bump into my dearly departed dad. We chat and laugh and continue walking.
Then we notice that two French onion sellers on bikes are taunting us from across the street. They are dressed in stereotypical black and white stripped tops, berets and have a string of onions around their necks.
My dad and I take offence at this and proceed to tip them from their bikes. After a few swift punches to the head we turn them upside down inserting them onto the spiked railings of the library.
With the French taken care of we proceed to chat and wander on our way home.


Saturday, 26 November 2011

Maximus at war

No real substance to last nights dream other than I have woken tired from a full night on the battlefield.
When I say battlefield I am referring to the modern warfare 3 scenes that I have been running around killing people on. But unlike the game I was playing during my waking hours, in my dream I was actually able to aim, shoot and kill lots of people - instead of endlessly being killed by a stream of spotty nerds that spend their entire life sat with a headset on and have disfigured hands in the shape of a games controller.
Unfortunately for my long suffering wife, a night at war for me does affect her sleep which was interrupted somewhat by my battle cries, involuntary muscle spasms and attempts to maim everyone in sight.
She is still in tact although slightly tired.


Friday, 25 November 2011

Junk yard killer robots & mystery package

This starts off in the driveway of a work colleague called Neil. Its just narrow enough to walk past the parked cars that are nose to tail from the street to his house. All the cars are partly dismantled or just a shell. It resembles a junk yard and there are about 15 cars.
There is a package there that Neil asks me to post to Kenya for him and he gives me £20.
I start chatting to Neil and suddenly become aware that the cars are moving and mutating into robots. Both Neil and myself recognise this as somewhat abnormal and decide the best course of action is to run away.
We are chased by the robots across the street and onto the roof of a factory. The roof has a glass window at both ends of it and looking down into the factory we can see the robots inside.
Now they are not transformers or any kind of advanced cyber creature, they are 1960's style TV robots on wheels with flashing eyes and are square and made of silver metal.
Despite their retro look we know we are going to meet our demise should they catch us.
Looking at the grounds of the factory there are more of them looking up at us doing their Peter Crouch dance.
I see an over hanging tree from the next property and we jump on the branches escaping our robotic nightmare.
I'm next at my mums next door neighbours house, minus Neil and I attend to a knock on the door. I'm met by a courier who hands me the same package Neil had asked me to post.
It's at this point I woke, so the mystery of the contents of the package still remains! Doh!


Thursday, 24 November 2011

Electronic takeaway

Once again I am in my old childhood bedroom.
This time with a school friend but we are both adults and I don't recognise him but just know that he is a friend.
Set out along one wall is an elaborate display cabinet packed full of the latest electronic gadgets.
They are all displayed in size and colour order and I am proudly showing them off to my unknown friend.
He offers me a cigarette but I explain that I no longer smoke but I will go and fetch a Chinese takeaway instead.
On the way to the takeaway I see my younger sister, I stop and chat but become aware of a stabbing pain in my back but there is nothing there.
I arrive at the takeaway only to find that they are not open as they have a private function planned. I look through the window at an elaborate mouthwatering presentation of oriental cuisine, I start to dribble saliva down my chin. It's not a pretty sight and a very displeased cook shouts at me to go away.
Just a chicken ball, that's all I wanted. Bad times.


Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Flat caps, phones & motorcycles

The setting is the street where I grew up but I'm not in my old house although I can see it from where I am across the road on the site of my old school. The school being long since demolished.
I'm looking out onto the road and motorbikes are driving passed. It's a damp Grey autumn evening.
I notice one that has broken down but the rider is still riding it along the road pushing it with his feet. He is wearing a flat cap.
My work colleague Craig appears and decides to ring for help to assist the stricken motorcyclist.
There is only an old style dial phone and Craig doesn't know how to use it. I then go on about back in the old days and the very first phones despite not knowing what I'm talking about.
I am then back in my old childhood bedroom and can hear a party in the next bedroom. I can hear a lot of people trying to calm a distressed work colleague called Jo. Jo then comes into my room in tears and I then proceed to tell her about the type of quilt on my bed and the history of quilts again not knowing what I'm on about.
Anyway my uneducated waffling has the desired result and Jo calms down.
Quilts by the way, first called Duvets were first made from down feathers of the Eider duck and are thought to have originated in rural Europe. Hence the name Eiderdown.


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

River of vomit

I, along with my wife am sat part way up a large auditorium that is set in the middle of a city centre. We are waiting for a speaker to entertain us and there is not an empty seat.
I lay on my front and have a little sleep whilst waiting. After a few minutes I look up and an American style fire truck is driving towards me and I sit up as it just misses hitting me.
Just as this happens the speaker starts and immediately says 'can Maximus please join me at the front'. I look around hoping no one knows me and ignore the speaker.
It is at this point that people start to move down from the auditorium, slowly at first with a few gentle nudges as they pass. But then panic starts to set in and people are getting knocked over in the ensuing rush.
At the very top standing on its own is a girl about 10 years old and she is projectile vomiting. Its a virtual river of sick, it's picking up speed as it flows down towards us slashing people, leaving them covered in the child's puke.
The speaker uses the microphone to alert everyone and we manage to run into a shop and watch as the river washes passed with other less unfortunate people being swept away as we look on in horror unable to save them from their sick soaked demise.
Just to dispel the rumour, there were no carrot chunks.


Monday, 21 November 2011

Its so fluffy!

It's so fluffy!
That's all I have. I was asleep and this was being repeatedly shouted over and over.
Turns out it was the alarm on my wife's phone
Bad times


Sunday, 20 November 2011

Phone box bungee

I start by having a leisurely stroll around a country estate with my wife and our dog.
There are huge tree lined paths, sloping hills and it's a fresh autumnal day.
We find a lovely pub and decide to pop in. Once inside we meet the lady of the manor who we rent a small cottage from. We chat and she leaves but forgets her coat and walking cane.
Next I am in a red telephone box with two other guys that I have never met. It's bigger on the inside as all three of us fit comfortably within.
We start to prank call people then decide as the postman is about to deliver a parcel through the phone boxes letterbox, (no I wasn't aware they had letter boxes), that we will set up a trap. We devise an elastic bungee cord in the letterbox so that the parcel pings back at him when inserted.
At this point I'm aware that my arm is being held and I start to pull but I'm met with resistance.
There is a little confusion at this point as I awake and realise that I have my arm around my wife and I pull it from her and slap her arse.
Upon discussions on this matter my wife has no memory of this so it may have still been part of the dream. Maximus would like to state that he is not responsible for any loss injury or damage caused during dream time.


Saturday, 19 November 2011

Transporter 3.5

In this second dream from last nights busy brain activity I am back in the same partly derelict house from the previous dream.
This time it's very straight forward in that i'm about to be killed by the villain from the film Transporter 3.
He has spat a poison dart into the back of my head and I'm feeling slightly wobbly.
I am aware that I only have a short time to act so I use what time I have left to repeatably stab him in the chest and back with a carving knife with a white handle.
As the bad guy sits slumped against the wall bleeding, he looks at me and attempts to speak in true movie fashion. I spoil the plot a little by holding his head up and delivering a expert cut to his wind pipe and ending his bad guy status.
I woke at this point, checked my wife for bleeding and went back to sleep


Will the real Rosemary West please stand up

One of two dreams in the same night, this being the first that I woke up from.
Everything is in cartoon, and I've entered Britain's got talent. My talent being that I can wrestle sharks. This clearly would be ridiculous in normal life given that either me or the shark are going to have breathing difficulties, but in cartoon world, the shark can happily stand on its tail and put up a good fight. Such a good fight in fact that he bites off both my forearms leaving me at severe disadvantage and effectively putting my shark wrestling career to an abrupt end.
I am then no longer a cartoon and I'm in a partly derelict house looking out of the window at Serial killer Rosemary West who is trying to get in the house but I won't let her in. I'm dressed in an orange boiler suit the same as rapper Slim Shady but without the baseball cap and I watch as she eats a handful of sand and then walks off.
Next there is a knock at the door and lots of police enter and arrest me for GBH on Rose West. I'm handcuffed and sit on the bed as the police search the house for evidence of my alleged misdemeanour. ( I'm guessing sand ) It's at this point that the handcuffs fall off my wrists onto the floor as I don't have any hands.


Friday, 18 November 2011

Runner

My shortest dream for some time. I'm simply just running towards myself with a work colleague.
Imagine as if your watching television and you can see yourself moving closer to the screen.
There appears to be no panic, I'm happy enough and don't seem to be running from anything or have any purpose, more of a leisurely saunter.
See I can have normal dreams.


Thursday, 17 November 2011

Killer ex wife

Bit of a nightmare rather than a dream as it involves my ex wife.
She has devised a plan to kill me and anyone else that may stand in her way of my demise. It is set in a very grand stately home that has so many elaborate rooms that she has been able to go about her grisly plan undetected.
She has managed to kidnap me and is watching my every move thus making any of my attempts to summons help futile.
She has stabbed the professor in the west wing dinning hall and he is bound and gagged to a chair slowing bleeding to death.
The professor is actor Richard Griffiths who's picture is below for those who don't know him. In an attempt to alert my friends I leave a coded message in magnetic fridge letters on the kitchen fridge where to find him but it's so well coded no one understands it.
I'm in my car and attempt to text a message but psycho ex is looking at me with evil piercing eyes so I have to stop.
Next I'm free of the evil one and I'm back in my old bedroom at my mums house. I'm sorting out all my property in that I'm removing anything that I don't want my ex to lay claim to in the divorce settlement. I remove a pair of garden edge grass trimmers and say to myself 'the bitch isn't getting those'
Weird as I don't own any grass trimmers but could do with some.


Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Carry on in miniature

Another slightly mixed bag of events from last night.
I begin by being on the inside of a cinema. Not a multi cinema, the old style single screen ones and it's closed. There is a large impatient crowd outside singing 'why are we waiting'. A female opens the double doors and the crowd surge in as I run out in the opposite direction into the street and I'm looking for someone.
I find who I am looking for, it is a perfectly in proportionate female but in miniature. She is about 3 feet tall but has absurdly oversized boobs, is dressed as a whore and has high heels on making her 3 feet 6 inches tall, she has a cigarette out the corner of her mouth.
I give her the options of the 3 films showing which are a love film, a French subtitled film or the new Carry on film, but I tell her to hurry as they are all about to start. Which is odd as there is only one screen. We decide on the carry film and run excitedly into the cinema.
To our disappointment the film contains none of the regular cast and shows an actor on a train which just isn't funny.
I am then outside a house watching some colleagues trying to deal with an ongoing domestic situation. I step in, tell the male in the house to leave and then notice that the two sisters there have a miniature Jack Russell that is the size of a toy. My own Jack Russell is with me, ( normal proportions ) and they play while I convince the sisters to leave the man I had previously sent away and start a lesbian relationship despite being related. ( It's a dream, I can have no morals ).
I then leave with my dog and enter a garden that is enclosed with the netting that surrounds those huge trampolines. The entire garden is a trampoline and myself and my dog start to bounce on it, my dog particularly enjoying the experience as he was shouting 'weeeeee' as he bounced.


Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Flying cats and motorbikes

A bit of a mixed bag of events last night in that it jumped from different events slightly.
First off I'm walking along a road in my home town watching the birds hoping from tree to tree, but some of them are cats and I watch in bemusement at them flying.
I'm then hurtling at full speed on a motorbike, which worries me somewhat as I have never learnt how to master one. This shows on my face and I spend an age hanging on for all I'm worth before being able to stop the machine at a bikers cafe.
The cafe is in darkness and I can hear the owner snoring out the back so I leave.
I'm then find that I'm working in a factory but it's break time.
I'm then back at the hairy bikers cafe and it's rammed. I can't move there are so many people in there and I'm aware that I will never get served in time before having to go back to work.
All in all a fairly normal dream, if you discount the airborne felines.


Monday, 14 November 2011

Howdy cowboy

For last nights slumbered adventure I was transported back to the American wild west.
For those of you that know my identity the people that were participants of the dream, may amuse you slightly, everyone else, it won't have any relevance.
Myself and my work colleague Jim were going to the railroad station to meet someone for work purposes.
I appeared dressed normally but Jim had got the cowboy theme totally wrong and was dressed in a suit, long trench cost and big Hat in the style of Humphrey Bogart from 1930's America, private eye.
We walked into the location through long wet grass and poor ill dressed Jim had a very soggy coat when we arrived and the shine had gone from his highly polished shoes and his trousers turn ups had lost their crease.
Once in the station we found two other work colleagues in the waiting room on the platform. As I looked at Jim he had been replaced by my wife and she thankfully was more suitably dressed.
In the waiting room was an old man. Richy was dressed in the cowboy style of the old saloon drunk, missing teeth, dirty clothes and smelt like he needed a bath. He was making advances towards a lone female teenager in the room that we also work with. She was acting like a stereotypical moody teen and had the attitude to go with it.
Myself and my wife being good Samaritans decide to save said moody child from the whiskey abusing town drunk and take her outside to get on the train. (Big American steam train with the driver wearing the Casey Jones hat) The train is a private hire taxi and we load up into it. Although the driver is an Asian male and the Casey Jones hat doesn't become him.
At this point I decide I really need to urinate and start to use the well equipped taxi urinal fitted in the back seat. It is at this point I awoke in desperate need of the toilet.
Fortunately my bed was dry.


Sunday, 13 November 2011

Road Hog

I'm in my mums living room with a border collie dog which is restless and wants to go out. Myself and my wife then get into my car and take him out for a drive. Not a great deal of exercise involved for the dog but it's a dream, I don't make the rules up.
Driving along a country road I become agitated by a car tailgating and attempting to over and undertake me. My wife tells me to remain calm and ignore it but I become increasingly annoyed at the drivers actions.
The car then undertakes me on the narrow road and as I look left into the passing car I notice that the driver is a pig. A medium sized pink pig which is not clothed.
The car then turned right following a road sign that says 'pigs', I, in my annoyance with having being undertaken by a farmyard animal end up in the right hand lane behind it and have to turn right also, clearly going the wrong way as it was a pigs only right turn.
There does seem a moral to this dream in that remaining calm whilst going about your business will result in you not getting angry and distracted, taking you on a road you don't want to be on in life.
Not sure about the pig?


Saturday, 12 November 2011

Skin hanger

I was getting ready for bed and undressing in the usual manner. In the bedroom was one of those clothing mannequins, the sort that has no head, arms or legs, just the body on a stand.
I had removed all my clothing and hung it over the mannequin so it was dressed. As I looked down at my body I noticed that all of my skin was missing and I looked like one of those human muscle drawings you see in the doctors. As my horrified stare returned to the mannequin, my entire skin was dressed on it like a deflated rubber pleasure doll.
Imagine my horror at seeing myself in this way and then imagine my wife's horror as I woke up shouting at my displeasure at losing my outer self.
I guess it would be beneficial to change your skin in later life for a smaller size?


Friday, 11 November 2011

The power of dance

Last night I expressed myself through the medium of dance.
I was in my mums living room but there was a huge audience expanding beyond the small confines of her modest room.
The crowd hushed as the lights dimmed, the music started as a spotlight highlighted me curled in a ball on the floor. The power of love by Jennifer Rush began to blast out, as I rise dressed in a vest top and baggy dance bottoms in my Patrick Swayze tribute.
Commences is what I can only describe as a powerful and moving expression of emotion, portrayed in a moving and contemporary style of dance with big leaps and air punches. The music builds up to a climax and I land on the floor exhausted and panting, I suffer for my art.
Just my sister claps.


Thursday, 10 November 2011

Carpets and Pakistani Justin Bieber

I'm in a huge store that sells everything, walking through the carpet department with my wife and a friend, we are collecting carpet samples.
Our friend starts to cut large pieces of carpet from the big rolls, these pieces are large enough to carpet a whole room and I voice my concern that these are not really samples. Both my wife and friend state that it's fine and we leave the store with enough carpet to cover our entire house without making payment for any of it.
I then appear to be a gas service engineer and I'm in the home of a Pakistani family who are having trouble with their cooker.
I totally dismantle the cooker under the watchful eye if the entire family and they are all talking in their own language and I feel under pressure as I have no idea what I'm doing.
I pull out the cooker and stuck on the back is a poster of Justin Bieber. The father of the family starts to shout asking why this poster is there. Suddenly the eldest son starts to cry and confesses that the poster is his and he is a big fan.
The family go mental and this is my chance during the ensuring commotion to hastily put the cooker back together, charge £75 and do one.
If you do have any cooker issues I highly recommend getting a qualified service engineer.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

London drug dealing whore

I'm walking in central London along with a female who I work with. I don't recognise her but know that I work with her.
We are passed by fire engines on their way to a fire at an underground station. We enter the station as people are running out. I look up and see a young female in an orange dress high heels and looks like a whore. I don't have experience at noticing whores honest.
She starts to run and my work mate shouts that she is a drug dealer and we give chase.
The whore doubles back on us at the top of the stairs and runs to the bottom again. I'm too far away to catch her at the top so I jump on the centre rail and surf to the bottom landing on the whore and finding her in possession of bags of crack cocaine.


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Toilet related broken bone

Last night I was in a house that was in need of re decorating. There was a man with his wife and they were under my expert guidance, stripping all the old wallpaper from the walls.
In the middle of the open plan living room was a toilet, not sure about the privacy issues surrounding this but there it was in the middle of the room. The man was up a ladder eagerly removing paper, I looked round and saw that his wife had removed a whole wall of paper along with the plaster right down to the brick.
Said man was most displeased at this and began to shout and franticly wave his arms in a show of his annoyance. This resulted in angry husband falling backwards and landing on the toilet, his right femur bone snapping in two as he made contact with porcelain.
I made arrangement for an ambulance and left. As I walked out I was in my mums rear garden. In the garden was a huge oak tree with branches that spanned into every neighbouring garden. I just stared at it in wonder.
There is no oak tree in my mums garden.


Monday, 7 November 2011

Glass elevator

I was standing at the crossing on a street called Lumley Road in Skegness. I know this as I did actually live there some years ago.
As the lights change to red and the little green man appears I start to walk across only to be almost run down by a car. It drives along a bit further before mounting the pavement and a very drunk male falls out of the drivers seat and attempts to buy more drink from the shop.
I shout at him and then let him get back in his car and drive off.
I then seem to be in a glass elevator just like in Willy Wonka, (second recent connection with this classic film). It comes out in a vast London shopping centre where I unsuccessfully don't find the two small hand towels I'm looking to buy for the utility toilet, (really am looking for these).
The rest of the dream is a little messed up in that it swaps around between me being in my mothers back garden, laying in bed and randomly wandering around London lost.


Sunday, 6 November 2011

Body in limbo

This is one of my recurring dreams / state of semi consciousness. I say that as I can see myself laying in bed but I am unable to move, so I'm unsure if I am actually awake or its a dream, but it happens often.
Only my eyes can move so I have the limited vision that frantically rolling them in my head allows.
My entire body is frozen and I struggle from within with all my energy to try and move. I am shouting as loud as I can but nothing can be heard. This goes on for some time until finally I manage to push myself up and free of my frozen state in a huge effort, shouting out as I do so.
It is at this point that I awake, sweating and shouting out loud much to the bemusement of my wife!


Air fresheners and floating computers

I'm in a house and appear to be cleaning it. Not my house and in every room someone is sleeping. I notice on the drive as I enter that there is an old American car, red and not in any fit state to drive.
In the house every single plug socket has a plug in air freshener in it. I ask a teenager in one of the beds why no one gets up and he tells me because he can't plug his alarm clock in as there are no available sockets.
I then leave the house and the red car has gone from the drive, I then spend what seems like an age attempting to go on a driving course but can't find the instructor or the location of it.
Next thing I'm walking down the street with my wife and her parents. My mother in law wants me to check something on my computer so I proceed to do so as I have a mobile one. When I say mobile, it's a full size desk PC but floats in the air in front of me, thus enabling me to type as I walk. I'm not sure it would catch on, I can see all sorts of problems with logistics, where do you plug it in? Not in that house I was in that's for sure and can you imagine the length of the cable!


Saturday, 5 November 2011

Hong Kong via Nottingham

In this one and this is last nights dream, I visit my Auntie in Hong Kong. Now I neither have an Auntie in Hong Kong and have never visited the place. But in my head Hong Kong looks exactly like Nottingham, where I have visited so I recognised it. The only difference being everyone there was from Hong Kong, so that's why I was in Hong Kong. Right that's cleared that up.
My Auntie, who I didn't recognise but just knew she was my Auntie, had several children and lived in the smallest house that was very cramped.
All the children slept in one room all in age and size order in a row of beds. The room was a narrow corridor with no door that led into the toilet.
My Auntie showed me to the room to show me my bed but walked ahead of me and into the toilet. Said Auntie then due to the cramped area surrounding the loo, stood up and wee'd all over the toilet seat!
I was naturally disturbed at this and left, walking out into the night streets of Hong Hong.
I walked through a narrow bricked passageway and there was a Edwardian style gentleman in a top hat trying to sell Christmas goods.
As I walked on I was aware that I was carrying a camera around my neck and became frightened that someone would steal it from me, but then noticed that everyone in the street also had a camera around their necks, all bigger and better than the one I had.
I do have a camera.


Friday, 4 November 2011

Magic DVD

I had a dream where I was travelling around on a DVD player. It was a magic flying DVD player that when I stood on it, lifted like a helicopter vertically and then balance was required to remain on it whilst it glided through the air. No idea how it was controlled, a little like a surf board in that you just go with it and hope you don't fall off.
It only hovered a couple of feet off of ground level so didn't interfere with any planes, birds or telephone cables.
I wonder if you can buy one? If your interested the DVD was a Samsung H1080R model if you fancy trying it out.


Man with beard!

I shut my eyes the other night after only being in bed for a matter of minutes. As soon as I did there was a man with a beard staring at me. Full on in my face, so close his bushy white whiskers were touching my face. He had mad killer eyes too.
I no like him! Be gone beardy man. I opened my eyes and to my immense relief, he wasn't in the room.


Thursday, 3 November 2011

Sausage fingers

Not sure how this works but basically I'm laying in bed asleep and I can see myself laying in bed.
I raise up my right hand and can see all my fingers are sausages. Raw not cooked, not sure what flavour and fat sausages. Looking in horror at this I raise my left hand to find that is the same.
I've had this dream more than once.


Swimming nuns

I was racing a large group of nuns, I know this as they were all in traditional nuns outfits. I was racing them by swimming across a chocolate river. Chocolate as in Willy Wonka style river that the fat German kid fell into.
Now as you can imagine swimming in chocolate is not easy and fully clothed too. No idea what those nuns were on but they were miles ahead of me and left me standing, well floating.


Sleepy wood lice

I do a lot searching and looking for things in my slumber Not sure what I'm looking for and seem to spend a lot of time walking about.
Searching my kitchen cupboards I opened the cupboard under the sink and begin to look through the various cleaning products, cloths and collection of plug in air fresheners kept within.
I turned over the little square sponges with the green scourer on top and under them was some little cartoon wood lice. The sudden disturbance and exposure to light had the poor little fellows blinking and yawning.
They made a sweet little noise when they yawned. Bless them.


Mr Bean RIP

Unfortunately poor Mr Bean meets his maker in this one.
I have for unknown reasons killed Mr Bean by repeatedly stabbing him with a large carving knife.
Now I have nothing against Mr Bean and have never had any thoughts of doing him harm.
Once the premeditated murder of one of Britain's best loved comics had been carried out in cold blood I then needed to cover my actions.
I did this by wandering around a derelict house with poor Mr Bean rolled up in a carpet in best murder mystery style.
I kept bumping into lots of different people which was a bit odd for an abandoned house, but not one of them asked me why I had a large rolled up carpet over my shoulder.
I don't know if I managed to dispose of the evidence, most of my dreams as you will see, have no ending, no structure or indeed make no sense.


To me, to you.......

I'm walking to the underground station in the town where I grew up. Up the hill and into the entrance where the auto ticket machines are and a little window that houses that rare sight, a London underground employee.
As I approach the window I notice that someone is with me, it's someone I recognise. It's Barry or Paul Chuckle of chuckle-vision fame. I say Barry or Paul as I can't distinguish the two wrinkle faced northern moustached entertainers.
Anyway which ever one it was I appeared to be the other brother.
Both Paul and myself or Barry and myself attempt to buy a train ticket.
I pass a £10 note to the ticket man, "to you" I say, it slides back from within the glass window, "to you" he says. " To me" I than hand it to Barry/Paul, " to you" ...... You get the picture.
And on it goes for some considerable time.
This is the only part of the dream that I recall.
Please don't ever attempt to analyse my dreams it will invariably result in my visit to one of our more secure establishments. I'm all for care in the community.


Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Chuckle brothers and sausage fingers

Welcome to my blog. It begins as a log for me to keep track of my slightly unusual dreams and we'll see how it manifests as we go.
I'll start with a few from previous times and try and bring it up to date as they happen. I tend to dream every night so should publish fairly regularly


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