Monday, 20 April 2015


A very disturbing encounter last light with me dreaming that my mouth had an infection. I could see a lump next to one of my top teeth and could feel a slight discomfort from it. 

I looked into a mirror and lightly pressed the lump, from behind the tooth came a massive amount of yellow puss. It fell into the sink it a round shape the size of a tennis ball. I looked back in the mirror in horror just in time to see the same amount fall from my mouth again. 

Feeling fairly sick at the sight of the yellow goo flowing out of my teeth, I was almost sick and started retching. Finally it stopped and the lump was gone. Most unpleasant. 




Sunday, 19 April 2015

Brooklyn no no

Oddly I was staring in an episode of Brooklyn 99 but I was myself and all of the other characters were present. The guy who plays Charles Boyle was drunk and telling me how he loved the actress who plays Gina. 

I thought that I would get this recorded and got out an old cassette tape recorder and got his confession recorded. 

The next day we were all at the police station and I stood up and announced that Charles had a confession to make. 

I pressed play and the recording was blank. Charles stood on his chair and said, "Gina, I don't love you". 

In a bizarre coincidence, today is international cassette day. 


Saturday, 18 April 2015

Friday, 17 April 2015

Sledge hammer

Really unusually for me I lay in bed unable to sleep, normally I'm out like a light when my head hits the pillow. This was starting to concern me after hours of laying there tossing and turning. It just isn't me to not be able to sleep. 

The worry ended rather abruptly when whilst staring at the ceiling, a massive sledge hammer swung down and hit me in the face. 
I had been dreaming the whole time that I couldn't sleep as I clearly do not have a comical oversized hammer hanging from my ceiling. 



Thursday, 16 April 2015

Hogmanay without a view

My wife and myself were in the grounds of a Scottish castle for the Hogmanay celebrations, which if you are unaware of this, is the New Year festivities in Scotland. Our host was an elderly gentleman dressed in a tweed suit. 

We were in a booth type area with a table set for dinner and other people were both sides of us in their own booths. The host proudly announced that directly above our table on the floor above was a great vantage point to see the castle and fireworks at midnight. 

The host then shouted out that it was midnight and wished everyone a happy new year. The clock said it was 23.50! We all started to move off up some stirs to get our vantage point and we followed behind two women, I noticed that they were topless. 

When we got to the room above, our so called view of the castle wasn't there, the room had no windows! The host once again shouted out happy new year. It was still only 23.55! 



Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Goldie the master criminal

I had entered a large hall that was full of people, sat in the middle of the room was Goldie who was dressed in a rabbit onesie, complete with ears and a bunny tail. Goldie was smiling and looking rather smug. 

Someone next to me informed me that a large mansion had been burgled nearby and the they had got away with millions. Someone sounded out, "We know you did it Goldie!"  With that several people jumped on him and started pinning him to the floor. 

Whilst this was going on, Goldie laughed out loud, I pulled out a child's plastic pistol and walked over and placed it against his head. All the time Goldie kept laughing, I pulled the trigger and it made a pathetic click sound and nothing else happened. 

Someone unzipped the back of the rabbit onesie and pulled out various speakers, phones and I pods  Goldie was bang to rights but still he kept on laughing. 
He was taken away and I walked out into the car park. 

As I went to leave, a fat boy about 10 years old was sneaking out of the property, under his arm was a huge bag containing millions in cash. It twigged with me that this was why Goldie was laughing, his rabbit onesie was clearly a diversion so his sidekick could escape with the cash.  


Tuesday, 14 April 2015

The Balcony bar

I was looking for a nightclub that was called the Balcony bar, I knew it was on a first floor of a building and I entered a block of flats. When I reached the first floor I was indeed on a balcony and next to it was a door that had 'The Balcony bar', written on it in felt pen. 

I pushed the door and it opened, as I entered I immediately saw that I was in someone's apartment and there was nothing that resembled a bar or club. I walked into a living room and found a woman sat in a chair. 

I asked her where the club was and she just smiled at me and offered me a seat, as I sat down a Spanial dog jumped up onto my lap and started licking my face. I started giggling and this made the dog more excited and I had my face washed. 


Monday, 13 April 2015

Sold my life

Along with my wife I was in the street outside our house. My wife asked me where my car was, I was very pleased with myself as I'd just sold it. 
I proudly explained that I had got a good price for it, I was boasting about this when it suddendly dawned on me that I'd not emptied the car of my stuff before selling it. 

I said to my wife, "Oh no, my whole life was in the glovebox!"  My wife also pointed out to me that I now didn't have a car as I'd not got a replacement for mine!


Sunday, 12 April 2015

Living in a box

I could see a cardboard box in front of my eyes, it was inches away from my nose and I tried to move my eyes to see past it but it was all surrounding. 

I then attempted to move my hands but they were totally numb and non responsive. My toes had some feeling in them and I raised them only to kick cardboard. 

I came to the conclusion, I was inside of a box and unable to get out. As I contemplated my fate, I opened my eyes and saw that I was in bed and my hands had pins and needles. 


Saturday, 11 April 2015

Rock climbing & burgers

I was going to watch a cricket match, I know I was dreaming because I hate cricket. I needed a good vantage point in which to view the game, or is it called a match?  Who cares really. I found a huge rock on the edge of the cricket pitch and climbed it. 

On the top of the rock, I had an impressive view of the field and started to tweet pictures to George from work to try and make him jealous. It didn't work because I couldn't get a mobile signal on my phone. 

As I stood a top of my vantage point, my wife arrived in a burger van and parked it at the foot of the rock. She opened up the side shutter and waited for customers. None came and after a long period of waiting for the cricket match to start, I realised that nothing was happening. 


Friday, 10 April 2015

Sticky tongue

I was dreaming that I was asleep and once again could see myself, my wife shook me to wake me up and I tried to talk to her but I was only able to make inaudible grunting sounds. The reason for this was my tongue had been stuck down with cello tape to the inside of my mouth. 

I tried again to speak but sounded as if I had a serious speech impediment. I reached into my mouth and peeled the cello tape off which was very painful and I screamed out at the discomfort it caused me. 

Next I was walking along a street at night and saw a shed at the edge of a front garden to a house. I pulled a screwdriver from my pocket and and removed the screws from the hinges. With the door removed I placed it under my arm and continued along the street. 

I was attempting to look inconspicuous as I walked along, as inconspicuous as you can carrying a shed door. Amazingly, no one took any notice of me and I managed to make good my escape with my stolen door. 


Thursday, 9 April 2015

Anyone for coffee?

I could oddly see myself sleeping in bed, I appeared to be on the ceiling looking down at myself. I was a little fidgety anyway due to a slight tooth ache, but I watched as I tossed and turned in the bed. 

I couldn't see my wife sleeping next to me but knew she was there before I fell asleep. I was then nudged in the ribs by her, she was next to me on the ceiling. She asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee, I told her that I thought we were out of coffee. 

She then handed me a miniature jar of Costa Rica roast coffee, it had a purple label but was the size of one of those tiny jam pots you get in the supermarket. I'd have been lucky to get one cup out of it. 
I then glanced back at myself in bed and saw that I was sat up drinking a cup of coffee. 

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