Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Beer, owls & Ferraris

I started off by being in a pub with my neighbour Bill and another man I didn't know. Sat at a table, we were all drinking pints of beer. I'd nipped to the toilet and upon my return, my beer was missing. I asked them where it was and they just laughed like schoolboys. 

I just stood up and said, "Right, I haven't got time for this", and motioned to leave. Bill told me to wait and produced my beer from under the table. He then went to the bar to order more drinks. As it was actually my round, I followed behind him. 

At the bar, Bill had ordered three pints, a bottle of wine and shots. I then realised that I didn't actually drink alcohol. I turned and walked out. 

Next I was in a barn and found a baby owl, I was amazed it let me so close to it and I was able to stroke it. It was at this point that I noticed an adult owl dead on the floor and realised the baby was all alone. I immediately decided I'd adopt him and started feeding him sliced pear. He loved it. 

Lastly with my wife, we walked to go and pick her car up from the garage. On the way we past piles of old furniture in the street, homeless people slept on it, covered with blankets. At the garage my wife's car was a blue Ferrari. I jumped in and drove off, reaching 100 mph. 

I heard someone saying that I would be banned from driving for reaching such speeds. I replied, "I know, and I really don't care". I then found myself in a sweet shop and bought the last packet of chocolate covered raisins. My favourite. 

Lastly I was in a children's home. It was an evil place full of sickness and abuse. It had been made to look like a space ship to appeal to the children, but it just felt dark and horrible. I walked into a long corridor with the feeling that I was trapped and could never leave. 

As I entered the corridor, the building started to speak in a dramatic echoing voice. "You can never leave me, you are mine". I ran back towards were I had entered but the door had vanished and I was in a never ending corridor. 


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Hopelessly devoted to androids

The setting was the place of my birth, my Nan's old house in Harold Wood in Essex. It was night time and the house was in darkness. Along with my wife, we were in the dining room and had a group of lifelike androids. I have no idea what the collective name for a group of androids is, or if one even exists?

One of the androids was Princess of Pop, Kylie Mingogue, one by one we sent them into the adjoining living room and they stood in line and began to softly sing the Olivia Newton John song, 'Hopelessly devoted to you.' A hit back in 1978 from the movie Greese. 

My wife then told one of the androids to turn around and fade the others. They obeyed her command but when they did so, started shouting out loud. This caused the others to stop singing and to start screaming. I turned to my wife and said, "Why did you do that?"

It also transpires that at that precise moment I also spoke the words in my sleep, waking my wife. Instead of enquiring as to what I was on about, I was delivered a swift jab to the ribs, which in turn woke me. 


Monday, 18 August 2014

Badger attack

Walking along a country track, which I have to say did resemble part of the map from Ghosts, prison break. I saw a small grey rabbit ahead of me bouncing around happily. From out of a bush between myself and the rabbit, appeared a badger. 

The badger upon seeing me decided to turn and run. It headed towards the rabbit but then got spooked by it. In a panic, the black and white mammal turned and headed straight for me. I remained still to avoid causing it any further distress but it deliberately headed for me and jumped on my head. 

It then set about giving me a bit of a kicking, I frantically waved my arms and kicked out my legs to get it off of me but it continued to attack me. I woke before I managed to stop the badger onslaught and when I went back to sleep again I was attempting to fill a metal container full of water. 


Sunday, 17 August 2014

Vegetable street

I was initially in a street that was made of vegetables. The pavement and road consisted of very neat squares of vegetable plots, carrots, potatoes and other various food, covered the street. 

I was next in a hospital corridor where work colleague George was riding a bicycle up and down, he had no care for anyone and was knocking staff and patients over as he frantically peddled repeatedly up and down. 

I was waiting for my appointment with a female that I didn't recognise, she was speaking softly to me, reassuring me that everything would be ok. I didn't even know why I was there. I was then told by a nurse that I didn't actually have an appointment book. When I looked at the nurse, she was the same woman that was just speaking to me. She had vanished. 

I walked out of the hospital leaving George still knocking people over on his bike and entered the car park. As I wandered away my good friend Matt appeared from nowhere and said to me, "Get back in there, your appointment has been confirmed".  


Saturday, 16 August 2014

Local shop

Very brief as I was rudely awoken again today, but had recalled the dream from earlier in the night. 
I was outside our local village shop and I could see that the lady who owns it was up stairs and the shop was empty of customers. 

I knew that she had CCTV and that if anyone entered the shop it would trigger the cameras and alert her to a customer. I decided to play a little game for my own amusement. 

I ran into the shop setting off a ringer, as soon as I heard that, I ran back out again. The shopkeeper appeared into an empty shop and then went back upstairs. After doing this several times, she was rather annoyed. 

The final time I attempted it, she was ready and jumped out from under the counter. I laughed briefly until I saw her angry face and decided it was best to leave. As I looked around the shop, I noticed that all the shelves were completely empty. 


Friday, 15 August 2014


Nothing today. I was sound asleep and the combination of a delivery driver and my dog kicking off at said delivery driver, woke me with such a start that anything I did have in my head vanished. 


Thursday, 14 August 2014

Donkey subtitles

I was watching two very tiny baby donkeys running around in a field, they were making sounds that donkeys make, I'm unsure of the term for it. As they happily ran around I could see subtitles at the bottom of the field explaining what they were saying. Unfortunately it was in Spanish. Must have been Spanish donkeys. 

Next I was playing snooker. The table was the size of a football pitch and the balls were people. It was raining hard and the table was soaked. A young girl asked me to play against her team but I refused as it was so wet. I explained that I was the manager and I didn't play and certainly not in the wet. 

Lastly I was in my mums back garden with my dog Humbug. From next doors garden I heard Trevor who is a friend of my wife and myself. He was calling Humbug. I told Trevor to be careful because Humbug looked very wary of him. 

Trevor ignored my advice and put his head within inches of Humbug and tried to stroke him. As his ears dropped back and his expression changed, I waited for the inevitable to happen. I woke up before it did, I'm sure it wouldn't have ended well for Trevor. 


Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Thank you V shave

To begin with I was in bed with my wife when I saw our neighbour Simon walk past the window and look in. Odd because our bedroom is on the first floor. 
I could then here him pushing the doorbell but I'd disconnected it and so just waited for him to leave. 

I was next knocking on a house and work supervisor Alex opened the door in a pink dressing gown. We chatted for a while and then Leigh came out of her house. I looked confused because these are two people that don't know each other outside of work. I was even more confused when Gareth pulled up in a white Triumph Stag car that had police written on it. 

Next I was in a hotel room and my younger sister was there too. She was attempting to unfold a sofa bed but couldn't work it out. I showed her how to do it. I then poured water on top of the wardrobe and it filled it like a sink. 

Next I was watching a man dressed in green shorts and a matching T shirt. He was jumping around on a field, dancing and singing. He started to sound like a TV advert, he said 'Before the V shave I couldn't do this because of the amount unsightly hair on my private parts. But thanks to the V shave I'm now free to dance and sing'. 

Lastly I was riding my push bike late at night. A tyre suddenly burst and water came out of it. Then more water started to pump out of the frame under the handlebars. The entire bike was made of water and ended up as a puddle. 

At this point Twelly from work arrived and offered me a lift in his car. I thanked him, jumped in the drivers seat and sped off leaving a very bemused Twelly at the side of the road.  


Tuesday, 12 August 2014

I just don't know

I just don't know what to do with myself
I don't know what to do with myself
planning everything for two
doing everything with you
and now that we're through
I just don't know what to do

These are the words playing in my head this morning, from the 1964 version of 'I just don't know what to do with myself' by Dusty Springfield. 
Despite having seen Phantom of the opera in the West End the previous night, I slept in a coma and just woke with Dusty. Not literally. 


Monday, 11 August 2014

Soap opera living

As I fell asleep I was aware of my little toenail catching on the bed clothes and thinking that I must clip it. 
My dream began with me visiting my work colleague Ghost in his home. I found him in his bed and he invited me to stay. I slipped in bed next to him and he started to update me on everything that had been going on. 

To the tune of Eastenders, he ran through what had been happening, it was pure gossip and scandal. He finished by saying, "And there's the news about Caroline". As he said this work colleague Caroline entered the room. She was topless but discreetly covered her modesty with her arm across her chest. 

Caroline slipped in the bed next to Ghost and settled for sleep. I looked down at my little toe as I could feel something on it. It was covered with a plaster. (Band aid). As I decided to go to sleep the door opened again. This time an old boss from work called Mike came in. 

Mike had three old people with him. They sat down around the TV and put on Eastenders. It was dark outside the window, suddenly the street lit up with flood lights. I looked out of the window and saw the army were setting up. They had tanks, armoured vehicles and hundreds of soliders with guns trained on the house. 


Sunday, 10 August 2014

Nazi shoot & Mylie Cyrus.

I was in my own back garden which was full of German Nazi officers all dressed in their black uniforms. I was holding a shotgun and every now and again a Nazi solider was catapulted into the air from a clay pigeon machine. 
As they flapped and waved their limbs about whist raising into sky, I shot them down. I didn't miss once. 

Next I was entering a Wilkinson department store that had two floors. I was absolutely dead tired and my body felt heavy. I struggled to heave my body around the store, climbing the stairs to the first floor. 

Once on the top floor I appeared to be in the garden centre part of the store. I draped my aching body through the plants and noticed someone hiding behind a very large plant pot. 
When I looked it was Mylie Cyrus. She was naked and just stared at me as I walked past her. 


Saturday, 9 August 2014

Goodbye blackberry way

As the 1968 song by The Move 'Blackberry way' echos in my head, I struggled to find anything else left over from my day time sleep. The first night shiftz is always followed by a coma sleep. 

The groups front man, Roy wood, later formed ELO with Jeff Lynn and also admitted  the song with influenced by The Beatles 'Penny Lane'. 

Goodbye blackberry way 
I can't see you, I don't need you 
Goodbye blackberry way 
Sure to want me back another day 

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